Things I respect.
Sep. 22nd, 2007 01:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moominmuppetWhen someone with whom I'm hanging out and exploring potential respects their primary relationship enough to say "hey, I need to slow down a bit".
I think I've mentioned in the past that I often find myself drawn toward the greater stability that tends to be inherent in non-monogamously dating people who are in solid primary partnerships*. Having spent a lot of time dating couples or members of couples, I've found one of the best indicators of character is how the person I'm seeing treats their partner and balances the needs of that relationship with the fun of exploring something new. I don't enjoy involvements where I'm feeling like I'm a negative force in someone else's relationship, and it makes me feel just flat-out warm and fuzzy about someone to hear them clearly prioritize the maintenance and health of their current relationships. Besides, compersion is a very real thing for me, and one of my favorite things about being poly. The people I'm involved with now, and the people I've dated in recent years have some truly awe-inspiringly beautiful relationships, and whether it sounds hokey or not, it's been a privilege to see those relationships in action, and to be invited in in certain ways. Of course it's not all roses and butterflies, but nothing ever is, and whether I'm missing having that particular dynamic in my life at the moment is mostly orthogonal to whether I'm dating people who do have it**.
This also relates to one of my simplest screening methods when someone approaches me and hits on me:
If they ask if I'm married/seeing someone/etc (I find it fascinating the number who start by asking if I'm married, rather than if I'm involved), I'll say something like "I'm involved", without specifying that I'm poly. If their next response is "well, they don't need to know" (which it often is), game over, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Thank you, you've just clarified exactly what your ethics are in regards to honesty and respect. If, on the other hand, they acknowledge that I'm involved, and don't suggest cheating, I'll usually clarify that I'm polyamorous, explain what that is, and point out that it's not for everyone, and most people find dating me to be entirely too complex (all true, and I think it's fair warning, given the kinds of unrealistic ideas many people have about it being simpler than it is). On very rare occasions, the conversation will go beyond that.
* I've had a lot of painful experiences in the past where valuable but non-primary relationships have been suddenly cut off because the other person finds a primary partner and things head monogamous. It's hard, because I'm happy for them, but it's a big emotional hit for me. I try to avoid that these days by mostly dating folks who are either in stable involvements already or are as wedded to being poly as I am. There are always exceptions in life, and sometimes things change anyway in terms of relationship dynamics that affect me, but I definitely get my heart broken less often. And I should note this is a very different experience for me than a relationship following its own natural course, and ending due to problems/incompatibilities that are directly between me and the other person; I have an easier time handling that because at least I have some influence/input/direct agency in the situation.
** Clarification on primary and non-primary, as I mean them and experience them:
I do tend to do a semi-heirarchal form of poly, in that for me there is a distinct difference in making the step to decide to "face the world as a team for the foreseeable future" -- it changes all sorts of practicalities, and it feels very different to me from a loving, caring relationship where the people are functioning mostly independently of each other. This is somewhat related to how I do intentional family (somewhat correllary to how I consider non-primary relationships, and strongly overlapping with my non-primary relationships), vs Household (which is a deeply emotionally meaningful thing to me, and is a subset of intentional family in which we function on a deeply interrelated and interdependent level to tackle the world). Primary, for me, is Household + romantic/sexual involvement + intent/hope to pursue for the foreseeable future (whereas Household doesn't currently have the "it's our hope to always all live together" dynamic -- people move in and out, although Bec and I have a longer and more powerful connection in that regard). The distinction is not inherently about intensity of emotion, although that can be a component, but about differing dynamics. There are many people in my life that I love deeply, but who would be miserable (and make me miserable) if we tried to force our lives together in that way, because they just don't fit like that. What I love about being poly is being able to explore all the wonderful things about those involvements without trying to fit them into a mold they weren't meant for. Incidentally, I also tend to use the term "primary-path" for involvements that are developing in such a way that it's not already clear they _aren't_ going to go that direction. Those are rare in my life. I'm quirky, and weird, and set in my ways, and not compatible on those levels with most of the planet. Also, I do consider it possible to have multiple primaries (although often trickier and more complex to navigate), and I emphatically do _not_ believe that non-primary means "disposable".
I think I've mentioned in the past that I often find myself drawn toward the greater stability that tends to be inherent in non-monogamously dating people who are in solid primary partnerships*. Having spent a lot of time dating couples or members of couples, I've found one of the best indicators of character is how the person I'm seeing treats their partner and balances the needs of that relationship with the fun of exploring something new. I don't enjoy involvements where I'm feeling like I'm a negative force in someone else's relationship, and it makes me feel just flat-out warm and fuzzy about someone to hear them clearly prioritize the maintenance and health of their current relationships. Besides, compersion is a very real thing for me, and one of my favorite things about being poly. The people I'm involved with now, and the people I've dated in recent years have some truly awe-inspiringly beautiful relationships, and whether it sounds hokey or not, it's been a privilege to see those relationships in action, and to be invited in in certain ways. Of course it's not all roses and butterflies, but nothing ever is, and whether I'm missing having that particular dynamic in my life at the moment is mostly orthogonal to whether I'm dating people who do have it**.
This also relates to one of my simplest screening methods when someone approaches me and hits on me:
If they ask if I'm married/seeing someone/etc (I find it fascinating the number who start by asking if I'm married, rather than if I'm involved), I'll say something like "I'm involved", without specifying that I'm poly. If their next response is "well, they don't need to know" (which it often is), game over, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Thank you, you've just clarified exactly what your ethics are in regards to honesty and respect. If, on the other hand, they acknowledge that I'm involved, and don't suggest cheating, I'll usually clarify that I'm polyamorous, explain what that is, and point out that it's not for everyone, and most people find dating me to be entirely too complex (all true, and I think it's fair warning, given the kinds of unrealistic ideas many people have about it being simpler than it is). On very rare occasions, the conversation will go beyond that.
* I've had a lot of painful experiences in the past where valuable but non-primary relationships have been suddenly cut off because the other person finds a primary partner and things head monogamous. It's hard, because I'm happy for them, but it's a big emotional hit for me. I try to avoid that these days by mostly dating folks who are either in stable involvements already or are as wedded to being poly as I am. There are always exceptions in life, and sometimes things change anyway in terms of relationship dynamics that affect me, but I definitely get my heart broken less often. And I should note this is a very different experience for me than a relationship following its own natural course, and ending due to problems/incompatibilities that are directly between me and the other person; I have an easier time handling that because at least I have some influence/input/direct agency in the situation.
** Clarification on primary and non-primary, as I mean them and experience them:
I do tend to do a semi-heirarchal form of poly, in that for me there is a distinct difference in making the step to decide to "face the world as a team for the foreseeable future" -- it changes all sorts of practicalities, and it feels very different to me from a loving, caring relationship where the people are functioning mostly independently of each other. This is somewhat related to how I do intentional family (somewhat correllary to how I consider non-primary relationships, and strongly overlapping with my non-primary relationships), vs Household (which is a deeply emotionally meaningful thing to me, and is a subset of intentional family in which we function on a deeply interrelated and interdependent level to tackle the world). Primary, for me, is Household + romantic/sexual involvement + intent/hope to pursue for the foreseeable future (whereas Household doesn't currently have the "it's our hope to always all live together" dynamic -- people move in and out, although Bec and I have a longer and more powerful connection in that regard). The distinction is not inherently about intensity of emotion, although that can be a component, but about differing dynamics. There are many people in my life that I love deeply, but who would be miserable (and make me miserable) if we tried to force our lives together in that way, because they just don't fit like that. What I love about being poly is being able to explore all the wonderful things about those involvements without trying to fit them into a mold they weren't meant for. Incidentally, I also tend to use the term "primary-path" for involvements that are developing in such a way that it's not already clear they _aren't_ going to go that direction. Those are rare in my life. I'm quirky, and weird, and set in my ways, and not compatible on those levels with most of the planet. Also, I do consider it possible to have multiple primaries (although often trickier and more complex to navigate), and I emphatically do _not_ believe that non-primary means "disposable".
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Just a note.
Date: 2007-09-22 10:31 pm (UTC)Thanks for using the word 'orthogonal' in a non-mathematical sense. It makes me happy to see someone else doing it.
Re: Just a note.
Date: 2007-09-22 10:40 pm (UTC)Re: Just a note.
Date: 2007-09-23 01:33 am (UTC)(Okay, I exaggerate, but it seems to be very common among the people I talk to.)
Re: Just a note.
Date: 2007-09-23 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 01:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 03:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 02:59 am (UTC)I wouldn't say I'm wedded to being poly, because "wedded" feels like a choice was made at some point, and with me it's a fundamental piece of wiring, like it or not (though I do like it, thankfully). At least being in my 30s means fewer people listen and nod and quietly plan based on the notion it's a phase I will grow out of if they wait around and then get upset when that doesn't happen.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 05:07 pm (UTC)*nod* Realistically, I could've used better phrasing on that, since, as you know, I feel quite similarly.
At least being in my 30s means fewer people listen and nod and quietly plan based on the notion it's a phase I will grow out of if they wait around and then get upset when that doesn't happen.
I think my parents still have their hopes. But yes, the longer history I can point to, and the clearer my existing relationships are, the easier it is to deflect the usual assumptions.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-23 01:58 pm (UTC)This is a question I get quite a bit, and leaves me puzzled as to how to answer it usually. It wants a longer answer.
I don't know that it requires much of an answer in most circumstances it gets asked.
It does get me thinking though, as the post did. Right now, the moving piece has me thinking about relationships anyway; it's a big change. :-)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-24 05:10 pm (UTC)It really does. I find myself wanting to be able to add parantheticals and footnotes to any answer I give.
It does get me thinking though, as the post did. Right now, the moving piece has me thinking about relationships anyway; it's a big change. :-)
I bet!