moominmuppet (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
moominmuppet) wrote2011-09-10 04:59 pm
moominmuppet) wrote2011-09-10 04:59 pm
Entry tags:
More poly thoughts
NL and I had a really good conversation continuing out of my post yesterday, and I also thought of a few other things that are particularly relevant to how I handle poly in my life.
One really big important thing for me in regards to relationships with others is that I'm really not happy if I don't feel I'm a net positive in that person's existence. I have a lot of trouble living with myself if I feel like I'm fucking up someone else's life. That particularly plays into poly ethics; I basically can't date someone in a primary partnership if I'm not really emotionally rooting for them as a couple. It leaves me too worried and second-guessing myself to make sure I'm a supportive and not destructive force. Relatedly, I really can't cope with cheating, on any side of the equation.
Snipped from a conversation with NL last night (all my portion of my convo 'til the very end):
Huh. Just realized something.
I'd been pondering the ways this feels very different from most other times I've fallen for people. It's the lack of nerves.
Somewhat comparable to how it felt with katy, but that sort of snuck up on me (at least the romantic partner part - the friendship connection walloped me on the face first night)
I'd sort of been wondering if this is how falling for someone in my thirties is different than it was in my twenties.
To some extent that's probably true. I wouldn't have been capable of this level of communication then.
And sorting things out as we go certainly does help minimize 'heart in the mouth don't know what's going on' experience.
Even when freaking out about my lack of freaking out, it was orders of magnitude less of a brainfuck than I recall.
Last time I fell hard was probably josh, and that entire involvement was nothing but one giant communication problem that put me through a massive emotional roller-coaster that screwed me up for a long time after.
And part of why I've been leery of intense involvements is how all that interacts with my already precarious life balance with the fibro and the bipolar.
Emotional chaos is scary to me.
And this feels less like falling and more like sliding. Very natural and calm.
And it's been both baffling me and making me happy.
So it's kind of nice to put my finger on what I think it is.
It's lack of anxiety.
It's not that I feel anything's set in stone, but I _do_ consistently feel like I know where things are now.
NL: Not sure if I said this, but you and our relationship is one thing I'm not really anxious about ever.
Me: *smile* no, I don't think you had. That's really reassuring.
NL: It is to me as well.
Me: *smooch*
We also talked more about some of what I'd said in yesterday's post. It's notable that a lot of what's working for us is that we have similar needs for autonomy, and very similar belief structures around it. It makes me feel safe that he actually values and appreciates those elements of me, rather than grudgingly tolerating them (and he seems to feel the same).
One really big important thing for me in regards to relationships with others is that I'm really not happy if I don't feel I'm a net positive in that person's existence. I have a lot of trouble living with myself if I feel like I'm fucking up someone else's life. That particularly plays into poly ethics; I basically can't date someone in a primary partnership if I'm not really emotionally rooting for them as a couple. It leaves me too worried and second-guessing myself to make sure I'm a supportive and not destructive force. Relatedly, I really can't cope with cheating, on any side of the equation.
Snipped from a conversation with NL last night (all my portion of my convo 'til the very end):
Huh. Just realized something.
I'd been pondering the ways this feels very different from most other times I've fallen for people. It's the lack of nerves.
Somewhat comparable to how it felt with katy, but that sort of snuck up on me (at least the romantic partner part - the friendship connection walloped me on the face first night)
I'd sort of been wondering if this is how falling for someone in my thirties is different than it was in my twenties.
To some extent that's probably true. I wouldn't have been capable of this level of communication then.
And sorting things out as we go certainly does help minimize 'heart in the mouth don't know what's going on' experience.
Even when freaking out about my lack of freaking out, it was orders of magnitude less of a brainfuck than I recall.
Last time I fell hard was probably josh, and that entire involvement was nothing but one giant communication problem that put me through a massive emotional roller-coaster that screwed me up for a long time after.
And part of why I've been leery of intense involvements is how all that interacts with my already precarious life balance with the fibro and the bipolar.
Emotional chaos is scary to me.
And this feels less like falling and more like sliding. Very natural and calm.
And it's been both baffling me and making me happy.
So it's kind of nice to put my finger on what I think it is.
It's lack of anxiety.
It's not that I feel anything's set in stone, but I _do_ consistently feel like I know where things are now.
NL: Not sure if I said this, but you and our relationship is one thing I'm not really anxious about ever.
Me: *smile* no, I don't think you had. That's really reassuring.
NL: It is to me as well.
Me: *smooch*
We also talked more about some of what I'd said in yesterday's post. It's notable that a lot of what's working for us is that we have similar needs for autonomy, and very similar belief structures around it. It makes me feel safe that he actually values and appreciates those elements of me, rather than grudgingly tolerating them (and he seems to feel the same).