Entry tags:
Dammit.
I really hope this is a hiccup, and not a sign that the relatively long period of midline to hypomanic mood is finally dropping back down again.
In looking back at my mood chart, and I haven't had a period of substantive depression since about late January to mid-February. The mood chart is handy. I keep notes on all sorts of information, and separate, to the best of my ability, my nderlying "biochemical" mood, and my "situational" mood, each on a scale of one to nine (so although my situational mood when I lost Harry was a 2, it was obvious to me I wasn't depressed in the clinical sense, so that was rated a 5, for example). I've been keeping it for about a year and a half now, tracking fibro symptoms, weather, mood, other factors. I still haven't gotten around to actually doing anything with the data, but I keep meaning to look for what the strongest correlations are (particularly for the fibro symptoms, and long-term frequency and patterns in the mood swings). Anyway, the last day or two minor little things are hitting me inordinately hard, even though previous to that I've been managing to weather much more extreme emotions pretty well. The past two days have been a lot more about insecurities and beating myself up, though, and those're pretty central depressive symptoms for me. I'm also finding myself more prone to crying, or feeling like I'm about to, and to that icky-stomach/nerves feeling.
I'm frustrated by this for a number of reasons. First of all, it's always nice to pretend that the next depression isn't just around the corner. This relatively long period of upness has been really enjoyable. Life without brainmice is good. Secondly, it means I have to start watching myself more, second-guessing my judgments, etc, because of how depression fucks with my perceptions. At the same time, I need to not second-guess myself for the opposite reasons, because that's the insecurities and negativism winning. Argh. And I've really been looking forward to FLOO, so I'll be just plain pissed if my own brain turns the weekend into "maybe none of them really want me around" bullshit (I'm already hearing the chattering of those particular brainmice).
And although I appreciate the concern, please don't ask me why I'm not medicated. It's a very complex answer, I've written at length about it in the past, and I just don't feel like going over the territory again at the moment.
In looking back at my mood chart, and I haven't had a period of substantive depression since about late January to mid-February. The mood chart is handy. I keep notes on all sorts of information, and separate, to the best of my ability, my nderlying "biochemical" mood, and my "situational" mood, each on a scale of one to nine (so although my situational mood when I lost Harry was a 2, it was obvious to me I wasn't depressed in the clinical sense, so that was rated a 5, for example). I've been keeping it for about a year and a half now, tracking fibro symptoms, weather, mood, other factors. I still haven't gotten around to actually doing anything with the data, but I keep meaning to look for what the strongest correlations are (particularly for the fibro symptoms, and long-term frequency and patterns in the mood swings). Anyway, the last day or two minor little things are hitting me inordinately hard, even though previous to that I've been managing to weather much more extreme emotions pretty well. The past two days have been a lot more about insecurities and beating myself up, though, and those're pretty central depressive symptoms for me. I'm also finding myself more prone to crying, or feeling like I'm about to, and to that icky-stomach/nerves feeling.
I'm frustrated by this for a number of reasons. First of all, it's always nice to pretend that the next depression isn't just around the corner. This relatively long period of upness has been really enjoyable. Life without brainmice is good. Secondly, it means I have to start watching myself more, second-guessing my judgments, etc, because of how depression fucks with my perceptions. At the same time, I need to not second-guess myself for the opposite reasons, because that's the insecurities and negativism winning. Argh. And I've really been looking forward to FLOO, so I'll be just plain pissed if my own brain turns the weekend into "maybe none of them really want me around" bullshit (I'm already hearing the chattering of those particular brainmice).
And although I appreciate the concern, please don't ask me why I'm not medicated. It's a very complex answer, I've written at length about it in the past, and I just don't feel like going over the territory again at the moment.