moominmuppet

Migraine today. Migraine yesterday. Also, 'tis the season for fibro flares. Bleh. On the positive side, not depressed, just physically crappy. Still on an introverted swing, though.

I forgot to mention that I got my Portapuzzle 1500 last week, and I love and adore it. I really enjoy doing jigsaws, and haven't in probably five years, at least, because eight animals and lots of little pieces just don't combine well. This is working amazingly well. I finally did the Fionavar Tapestry jigsaw I've had for years, still in its wrapper (the breeze of patchouli and nag champa when I opened it comfirmed that no matter how long ago, it was most _definitely_ purchased in a head shop *chuckle*). I started this past weekend, finished last night/this morning. I just got started on this awesome Russian dancer, and it's a nice change from the complexity of the Fionavar piece -- this is all bright colors and clear lines, and it's so pretty up close. I love this line of shaped puzzles (ok, having just looked through the rest of the line I'll amend that to "some" of this line -- lots of those are damned cheesy); I'm working my way up to the shaped Dragon puzzle I got from James and Anna a couple years ago; I can't find a pic online, but it's similar to the Russian Dancer in style, except that it's all reds and golds, so it'll be a lot harder. I love all the little scenes buried in it, though.

So, I'm spending a lot of time working on my puzzles, watching political news. It really is my soap opera, or my sports fandom, or something. I watch way more than is actually productively providing me info. Can't wait for the debate tonight! Also, loving, loving, loving Rachel Maddow's new show. My crush on that woman just keeps growing.

Also, 'tis the season for amazingly, awesomely bad horror movies on late night TV! Oh, my DVR is filling up! I'm assuming Blue Demon was an intentional spoof; I was giggling uncontrollably through the whole thing.

Still haven't been reading anything excepts articles. Still feel very strange about that. I blame it on Sudoku; it's eaten my commute time. Really need to recreate my "books to read" pile so it's handy as I'm walking out the door in the morning. Also, need to request a bunch of stuff from the library that I've been meaning to get to.

Saw the doctor yesterday again about the leg thing, and had a really good, productive conversation with her. I think we're on a good track to getting it figured out (we're checking for both allergic reactions and coagulation problems now), and I was reminded of why I chose her in the first place, and why I plan to stick with her. She's excellent at working collaboratively, and I must have that with my doctors, or I get unbelievably prickly about my autonomy. Incidentally, recommendation for folks who are trying to find doctors they connect with -- if you find one doc you work well with, ask for their recommendation for other docs they think will connect well with you. That's how I found this GP (a rec from my gyn), and how I found my rheumatologist (rec from my counselor). Given that I have very specific psychological needs in the doctor-patient relationship, that's saved me a lot of wasted time seeing doctors who aren't a good fit for me. It does seem I need to go back to my rheumatologist, though. If we're right in guessing that my high-dose ibuprofen usage has something to do with the current medical weirdness, I'll need to come up with a new basic maintenance package for myself. Also, I need to get documentation about the fibro anyway, since my old boss and I had an understanding about my UPTO time for it, and I don't trust new boss in the same way.

Got to see Gini and Ferrett in person for the first time in ages, though, thanks to be home from work yesterday, and I should be seeing

may_dryad this weekend, which is also excellent. And I have almost entirely defeated the clinic escort schedule for yet another month. Yay!

Geeky and fantastic image (worksafe)

Incidentally, I'm always on the lookout for cross-stitch and jigsaws that are outside the country/crafty norm that's most commonly available. Feel free to drop me pointers if you know of some good sites to find these. I've got a few, but not many.

At one point during the hospital battle, passions ran so hot that local antiabortion activists organized a boisterous picket line outside Dr. Lemagie's office, in an unassuming professional building across from Palmer's Little League field. According to Bess and another community activist, among the protesters trying to disrupt the physician's practice that day was Sarah Palin.

Friggin' lovely way to show that "respect for differences of opinion", there.

Current Mood: annoyed

Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones Passes Away. There've been various stories coming around, but it's looking pretty definite now that she's gone.

She did well by me, and I'll miss her.

Current Mood: sad

Yay!

(both sets of pics involve some incidental boobage; not entirely worksafe)
Photos of where it was before

How far we got

So happy! We got a lot further than we expected to, and we've got a tentative appt for this coming February. Portland, Maine, where Chris Dingwell is now working (out of Sanctuary Tattoo) is very cute, and the time with

forestfire was excellent. Although we may do a bit of final tweaking to some of the color once this session's healed (I'm particularly thinking about asking him to add some rust and blood-red tones to the ribbon), my arm is basically done, we got one of the figures on my back completed, and a start on the Venus of Laussel that's the main image on my back so far. I'm currently looking through my resource book (collection of all the research I did when we first started more than a decade ago), determining which images we'll go to from here. I know the Venus of Lespugue is going to be the central image on the side of my thigh, but haven't decided about the pieces in-between. Yay, fun decisions!

The inside of my arm has a crazy bruise, because I bruise crazy easily, and eight hours of working the area, holding the skin tight, definitely had effects. As I told Chris, who was shocked and apologetic about it, I'm not worried. The bruise'll fade, the tattoo will stay.

Oh. Random idea for another tattoo I want to write down while I'm thinking about it... A representation of the full structure of the clit (glans, shaft, and crurae, which make an interesting shape) (link not really worksafe, has genital photos). It's something most people would never recognize, but to me it'd be a commentary on sexuality, and geekery, and how long it took the scientific community to understand anything about female sexuality, etc. Possibly on my right shoulder.

Note to self, some handy links off this wikipedia article (I'm also checking around for images I didn't find back then, since there's so much more available online than there used to be.) If you happen to know of interesting sculptural representations of the female form that don't include clothing or props, from any time period, I'd be interested in pointers, too. I'm trying to represent as many regions of the world, and a relatively wide time frame (I've got a few modern pieces that reference the paleolithic that I'll probably include, too). I'm trying to get a wide variety of body shapes, but avoiding hybrid images like owl-goddess figures and such (that example comes to mind because I've got an image of one that's very cool, but wouldn't work with this piece).

Bookmarks I've already noted to look through in more detail for interesting images (a few of the sites are pretty bullshit-laden, but that's not what interests me about them; it's images of the figures themselves):
http://www.sheelanagig.org/ (although most aren't what I'd want, there are a few I really like, and I'm still looking for some better images of some of them)

http://www.beyond-the-pale.org.uk/sheela2.htm

http://www.suppressedhistories.net/articles/eller5.html

http://www.suppressedhistories.net/articles/icons.html

http://orissagov.nic.in/e-magazine/Journal/Journal2/pdf/ohrj-07.pdf

http://www.bookrags.com/wiki/Sheela_na_Gig

http://www.beyond-the-pale.org.uk/zxWhittlesford.htm

For those I haven't explained this piece to, at its core, it's about the fact that the desire to create is such an immensely human trait, that it connects us. That thinking about the human being who carved an image on a cave wall 30,000 years ago that looks like what I see when I look in the mirror gives me a much greater sense of our shared humanity than names or dates ever will. The female form has been represented so much throughout human history, for so many reasons (I actually don't really like describing this as my "fertility figures" tattoo, because I don't think it's accurate or complete in its description of what these figures might've originally meant to the people who created them). Putting this piece on myself is my way of placing myself within that human history of creating this image. Also, it's a big ol' fuck-you to narrow beauty standards.

Current Mood: ecstatic

Links to various articles about this:

First notification points to

jajy1979 again, although now all my women's reproductive health and politics mailing lists are sending out notices about it too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cristina-page/hhs-moves-to-define-contr_b_112887.html

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2008/07/15/hhs-moves-define-contraception-abortion

http://www.feministing.com/archives/009733.html

Link to Planned Parenthood's Action Page

The contact information for the HHS secretary is:

HHS Secretary Mike Leavitt
Office Phone: 202-690-7000 or 202-205-4708
Email: mike.leavitt@hhs.gov
Fax: 202-690-7203
Correspondence Secretary: 202-690-6392

Anyone outside of the DC/metro area can call 877-696-6775 toll-free and ask to be transferred to the Secretary's office.

Current Mood: angry

I'm pretty incapable of functioning sexually when I'm having mixed feelings, or have something in my head unaddressed. That particular quirk of my personality's had a lot of bizarre impacts in my life, but it does tend to mean I've learned that letting things stew and getting passive-aggressive is really cutting off my nose despite my face. Wish I had such a useful self-correction mechanism in my non-sexual relationships, sometimes. (not always, though... There have been times where an unresolved issue then killed sex life, which then became its own bigger issue)

It also has a lot to do with the balance of poly and slutty in my life... There are times it would be really convenient to be able to lower my standards, honestly. Times when I just want to explore something, or just want to get laid, or what-have-you. But I don't get a lot of choice in the matter, really. It's almost always true that I simply don't respond sexually to people I don't like and connect with well enough to want something ongoing on some level. And I don't respond sexually in situations where what's happening romantically or emotionally is out-of-kilter and needs to be addressed, or where there's an ethical issue by my personal standards. It's a convenient substitute for good judgement, at times, and a huge frustration at others.

It also has a really funny effect on the sexual progress of my relationships. It may take me hours or months to make my decision (or rather, to let my gut make it for me), but I'm ridiculously "all-or-nothing". I rarely kiss someone I'm not at least theoretically willing to sleep with at that moment, although certain practical matters (necessary conversations, locale, energy level, etc) may in fact postpone things. And once I've hit that tipping point, I'm basically all-in, and entirely present. One of the things I like best about sex is that it's when I feel most truly and completely myself (part of why I think I have the shut-down mechanism I do, actually, and part of why role-play just isn't my thing).

Hmmm. I think this may be part of why I'm so much slower-moving and frankly neurotic in potentially romantic relationships -- complicated mixed feelings are much more part and parcel of figuring that out. And there are all the incredibly tricky issues of whether we can fit our lives together in a way that works, and the points of conflict and negotiation that come up in primary relationships. And the potential for hurt triggers my ethics off-switch ridiculously easily (hypersensitive hair-trigger, I'd say, especially around romantic imbalance), especially since one of my biggest, meanest, and most rabid brainmice is the "You will hurt wonderful people who totally don't deserve that because you haven't learned your lessons" mouse. I have an infinitely easier time dealing with my own heartbreaks than those of others I've caused, especially those where I saw glimpses of the incompatibilities early, and rationalized them away. Hmmm. Another connection that just came to me -- I don't respond sexually if I don't believe the other person can/will stand up to me if need be. I've got a forceful personality, and I worry a lot about steamrolling other people. When I don't trust they'll do that for themselves I get hypervigilant and have a much harder time letting go and relaxing.

Also why poly with a reluctant partner, for the couple of years I did that, really resulted in "entirely theoretical poly" pretty quickly -- knowing it's going to upset someone I care about, or cause tension, also kills it for me, and I stop reacting. Downside there, I also stop reacting within the relationship. Every time I've felt pressure to be fidelitous it's either killed the relationship, or killed my sex drive (which tends to contribute to relationship death anyway).

Current Mood: contemplative

I had a sex dream about Rachel Maddow last night. Yum.

Current Mood: amused

I did end up falling asleep on

serpentseye quite early last night, but we had a good time hanging out today, and I'm gradually feeling better physically. Still have the general bodyaches going on, but nothing worse than that. And I just got word that my scheduling problems for the clinic escorts over the holiday weekend are solved; the clinics will be closed, so I don't have to stress. Yay! *big relief* I still have to do the rest of the month's schedule, but this takes a lot of the pressure off; I was at the point of abject begging on the escort list for extra people, and was feeling a bit guilty that I myself was going to be gone that weekend, too.

Had a good conversation with Serpentseye about being a very social introvert, and how that affects my desires to interact with groups of people (going out to clubs, parties, etc). In general, I have to have a decent amount of notice on it, to be in the right mental state. That's true of dates, especially early on, too. And I need a lot of recharging time from intensive interactions with other people. I don't need to be alone to accomplish that, but I have to be at a household-level comfort level, where it's fine if I'm just here, in my own head, not particularly interacting. We were also talking about why I like a modality like LJ for one of my primary social and communication tools; it allows me to titrate my level of social interaction much more finely than most options. I think I come across as much more of an extrovert than I actually am, in terms of internal energy patterns, is because I'm really not at all shy (something many people seem to associate with introversion), and I'm as much of a psychological nudist as a physical one, so I live in my head and think a whole lot, but I then splatter it everywhere in a way most introverts don't seem to.

Speaking of which, recharging time for me now, too. Although writing posts is often an element of that; because of the asynchronous nature of the interaction, writing a post (as opposed to a reply, which is a much more direction "interaction") is in many ways recharging for me -- it's a version of thinking out loud as much as actively reaching out for interaction at that particular moment. Or it can be, depending on my mood.

Current Mood: content

WTF, Ralph? Today in Incongruity: Nader Accuses Obama of "Talking White"

House to Hold First-Ever Hearing on Transgender Rights

Fewer Albanians Are Becoming Sworn Virgins: An ancient gender-bending tradition is on the wane.

Win points for trolling liberal blogs for McCain!

Former NYC Prosecutor Threw Case to Help Innocent Prisoners -- I'm really curious about the opinions of the lawyers on my friends list. This sounds like he did the right thing, but there's also a lot I don't know about the legal system, and I'd like other viewpoints.

Some interesting perspective on the judge on the obscenity trial who was "accused" of having a porn website (a good example of how porn hysteria is used against even people who don't actually get caught with it)

Taking discussion of GLBT issues to the Evangelical churches -- I don't expect a miraculous reversal, but I do think this is a worthwhile attempt at humanizing the issue for many people who wouldn't other recognize it in the same way.

In other news, got more than 10 hours of sleep last night, still feeling moderately crappy. Argh! Also, I've been at work an hour and a half, and taken 42 calls, between email and phone. I get a bit of masochistic glee out of being that fast, but this is also part of why I have so much more trouble with headaches these days. And we have meetings today to tell us about two more apps we're taking on support for. Damn, I wish our boss gave a crap about us. It was so nice to have Jim, who'd actually stand up for us, and point out that new support means need for more people. NewBoss just bends us over for a harder fucking, trying to smile nice and promise the moon to everyone and anyone. And then we get lectured about our abandon rates on a weekly basis in the staff meeting (the pointless one that takes us off the phones for an hour, thereby ratcheting up the abandon rate that much more *headdesk*).

Yeesh. 11:55am now, 83 calls. That should be a full day's work. I really wish I got paid by the call. Or got to get up and go home when I hit 100. Or something. Still, it's payday today; that's good! And I'm not feeling substantially crappier than this morning, so maybe when I get home all my housecleaning plans will actually happen...

Current Mood: busy

I'm kind of bored and braindead; out of energy, debating whether I can nap at the moment, or want to wait 'til after Mark finishes making dinner. The folks I'd particularly like to catch on IM aren't on, I just finished my book, and I don't have the focus for plot on TV. Bec's at dance, Grafton's at his sister's. I don't really feel like having a phone conversation because bad connections drive me utterly insane; I actually like IM better than any other form of communication (except in-person in quiet environments) because then I don't get frustrated and worried that I'm missing some key word here or there. Interesting that I feel that way, rather than missing all the visual and intonational context that one loses in that modality. Huh. I guess it's partly because I tend to choose my own words very carefully and specifically most of the time (this doesn't mean I show good judgement, necessarily, but that I think about exactly how I want to say whatever I want to say), and I want to be able to avoid miscommunication from something misheard. And I often reread a lot in the course of intense conversations, making sure my memory and perception are accurate. The extra seconds to think, and the chance to slow down and "re-listen" to what was just said, do help in terms of judgement to some extent, though.

I've been thinking a lot about the fibro recently. Life's gotten very busy with commitments I really don't want to have to raincheck. I'm also being very hard on my body physically -- this amount of sex, frankly, is a big change in my exercise level, generally in rather marathon sessions. And it's stormy season, which means I've been more flaring than not for the past couple months since the weather changed. And I've been staying up much later much more frequently. Cumulatively, it's pushing the balance I've found in life to keep myself functional enough to stay employed full-time. I'm really feeling that now about PTO time. There's so much stuff I'd like to be able to take off for, but I take a lot of sick time during the year, and I feel the pinch. It's frustrating. Mostly it's the fatigue that really gets me. There always has to be a serious consideration of my energy level, and how much sleep I need to get before I have to be up again. *sigh* Blah. Life could be a lot worse. This is only a moderate frustration in comparison.

OK, think I'm going to nap now.

Current Mood: bored

hierodule reminded me that I've been meaning to post a link to this for a few days now:

Phone Sex Operators: Photo Essay. I'm really interested in the book, when it comes out.

For those who aren't aware, I did phone sex work for a while a few years back, and found it on balance a positive experience in a number of ways. Relevant posts, for those of you on the sex filter, are here

Current Mood: pleased

Well, close enough.

Woke up finally feeling rested and good this morning. Given the storms coming through later this week, we'll see how long that lasts, but I'm enjoying it for the moment.

Reading Hero, an impulse purchase at Visible Voice. Despite some plot holes I'm enjoying it a good deal.

Last night was very good; by evening my migraine had finally gone away, and I got a chance to catch up with

lunatickle about plans for our visit next week, and then some good conversation with

curiousredhead, too, before a bit of hanging out with Grafton and Bec and crashing out pretty early. Woke up at 2am to marinated grilled asparagus (I usually wake up in the middle of the night; it's become hangout time for me and Grafton, since he's usually still up). Yum. Love my household.

Haven't been around on IM much in the past few days, between things being busy, and me feeling crappy. Should be around this evening, though.

Current Mood: cheerful

Oh, yay! I finally know what kind of tree the Kenyon Upside-down Tree is!

and more info

And a few pics of our upside-down tree at Kenyon, scammed from Flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/skin_vision/751646012/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/margolove/941565873/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/margolove/941565989/in/photostream/

I love this tree more than any other tree in the world. Seriously. Of my entire time back at Kenyon during reunion this year, the most vivid memories of place are of spending time in its branches.

In other news, work's been utterly crazy today, so I'm totally behind on LJ. But life is really good, and

calebbullen and

serpentseye will be over this evening, which is all for the good.

And it's my brother

jajy1979's birthday today! Happy Birthday, James! I said it before, but I'll say again that I'm proud of you.

Current Mood: happy

The Contraception Failure
By Vanessa Valenti

Nearly all American women will use contraception at some point in their lives. Birth control is the most effective way to lower the unintended pregnancy rate, and the best way to decrease the abortion rate. But in an increasingly polarized political debate about abortion rights, anti-contraception sentiments have crept in. Sometimes they are blatant -- earlier this June for example, anti-choice groups sponsored a national day of protest against the birth control pill. But usually, they are more insidious and come in the form of systematically and routinely denying women access to contraception. The grounds of the reproductive rights debate are shifting -- and most Americans don't seem to know it.

Also, an older article on a topic near and dear to my heart -- the destigmatization of abortion. It makes me crazy to see so many women cowed by the screaming antis at the clinic, so many women who feel like they're the only one who's been in this situation, and that they deserve to be shamed and ridiculed. I've said time and again that I think destigmatizing the conversation around abortion is the only way to end this. And to end the chipping away at our rights that happens when people aren't willing to stand up for their own rights, or don't realize that this really, directly affects their mother, their sister, their friend... Our politicians are cowards about abortion. They don't even want to say the word. And as long as we all pretend that none of their constituents have had abortions, or have been affected by these policies they let slide into being, we're complicit in their cowardice. We need honest conversation in this country more than anything else.

Abortion Stigma Enters Era of Unburdening
Run Date: 12/07/06
By Eleanor J. Bader
WeNews correspondent
Abortion is the most common surgical procedure in the United States, but the stigma surrounding it remains powerful, even for pro-choice advocates and abortion providers. Efforts to reduce the psychological toll are on an upswing.

Current Mood: frustrated

Mostly a reference for myself, and an update to those who keep an eye out for what's going on with my psych stuff (hey,

jajy1979).

Argh. I'm a mess. Really gotta stop doing this to myself in terms of my sleep patterns; I'm exhausted, have a hellish migraine, and currently the emotional maturity of a pre-tantrum three-year-old. I should be sent to my room for a nap.
On the other hand, I've managed to make it productive in some ways, at least. In my attempts to hold onto the shreds of my maturity in the past couple days I've addressed a couple of ongoing issues that were getting to me.
So that's been good. ("Not to be having temper-tantrum at partners. No. To be having conversation with partners. Yes.") *
On the other hand, being randomly weepy at work always blows chunks. At least that was more yesterday than today.
Can't tell how much of this is direct exhaustion, and how much could be a mixed episode (combined manic and depressive patterns). Blah. Tricky.
Makes me really damned glad for the hyperrationality coping mechanism **. Good for caging the brainmice, at least most of the way.
I can't make depressive crap suck less, but I've gotten pretty good at letting it fuck up my life a lot less.

Basically, I'm just really up and down right now. Very little emotional buffer against intense reaction to whatever's going on at the moment. I do think the sleep-dep's a big part of it, and that I'll be much better for a nap. But this pattern continuing over the course of several days now makes me wary.

* This is one of the funny things that tends to be a pattern for me. Little ongoing things don't generally bother me enough to really chase down and try to sort out when I'm up, or even when I'm midline. I'm rather insanely chill about all the little quirks and foibles and such, and see them as very minor in the larger scheme of things, and an unavoidable element of us all being human. When I start getting depressed, though, the brainmice come out to play, and at that point I'm very aware (after years of trial and massive error) that I have two choices -- force myself to do what I know is the rational thing, and address it before it can stew and cause damage, or take the really unhealthy but appealing path of sinking into the bitter, reclusive, insecure mess my depression wants to tell me is the truth, and where I should be anyway. And taking action, whether it's a period of massive life organization and tidying/cleaning, or sorting out lingering communication thingees and getting the connection and reassurance I need, is probably my most useful coping mechanism. Which leads into **: A big part of how my brain works is analytically, especially when I'm trying to make sense of both internal mood states/life condition and relationships (of every sort) in my life. It's a huge part of my primary coping mechanism for dealing with the bipolar with a minimum of medication. And part of why I talk about it, here, and to the people in my life, is that when I'm trying to explain something, it's important to me to be as accurate as I can. And I end up playing my own Devil's Advocate against the brainmice, pointing out the flaws in my depression logic, and noting the thought trains that are so clearly biochemical, not rational (and dealing with other people really helps me into that headspace, because it's a self-image thing that I want to be seen as a rational person, and it becomes a 'fake it 'til ya make it' thing -- it's a matter of pride to be able to point out my own idiocies before someone else does). It doesn't fix what I "believe" at a gut level (all those horrible things we tell ourselves), but by letting myself slip into a very scientific approach -- "Even if I don't believe this will work, this approach is what has had the best outcomes more often in the past, therefore it is the rational approach right now". This totally saves my ass. In fact, it tends to make these periods especially productive, if anxiety-ridden and intermittently overly-emotional.

Also, given that I'm choosing not to pursue many of the treatment avenues open to me, in terms of psychiatric treatment, it becomes a matter of fairness to the people around me, who have to support me if I let myself get into too much of a mess. And like the "want to be seen as rational" thing, "want to be fair to the people around me" becomes somewhat self-reinforcing. In general, my obligations in the world are very steadying for me. Part of why "communal and connected" is so good for me.

*grumpetygrumpgrump*

131 calls at work today, on four hours of sleep. Given my practically narcoleptic abilities to fall asleep while working anyway (actually, they did diagnose me with narcolepsy at one point, after my sleep study, although I doubt the accuracy of that diagnosis, given what else was going on with the fibro and a multitude of med side effects at the time), it was a stressful day. It's especially odd to have textual evidence of how much my brain slides into sleep while I'm still actively doing things. I looked up at an email I was writing today to a user, and found it perfectly sensible until the last sentence, which was a conversational line out of the dream I'd fallen into, and totally unrelated to the rest of the email.

But I got through it without any drastically noticeable issues. I can't wait for tomorrow -- they say a high of only somewhere in the 80s! Thunderstorms and 71 tonight! Today was almost 100 downtown. The living room isn't too bad, thanks to all the fans, but it's the only place in the house I can stand to be for more than a few minutes, and it's not really "comfortable" at the moment. I need sleep desperately, but I'm not sure how well I'll manage in the heat right now (well, I suspect I could fall asleep just fine, but not stay asleep or get refreshing sleep).

Nonetheless, I'm not actually in a bad mood, per se. Just physically discontent, especially adding in the sunburn that makes raising my arms painful, the dozen or so mosquito bites on my arms, and the weirdness where I apparently screwed up my right arm somehow, and keep getting shooting pains through my shoulder randomly (an improvement over the shoulder, elbow and wrist pain from two nights ago, though!), but not pissy. Life is good, and this too shall pass. And I was just talking to a friend about it being nice to be mostly down from this recent mania:

Well, they did a sleep study on me. But it was while I was on so many meds for the fibro that were having so many side effects, and fibro is highly correlated to sleep disorders anyway, that I'm really not sure that narcolepsy was actually an accurate diagnosis.
However, the Provigil sure rocked.
Fuckin' speedy Sarah.
amusing to those around me, at least. And very awake.
semi-controlled, though, so required a direct scrip every month, which was more hassle than I really wanted to deal with. Especially given that I couldn't slow down to socially appropriate speeds on it, and that was awkward at times.
An awful lot like a chemically induced mania, actually. And while being manic has its fun sides, it's not how I'd choose to be all the time, and it has its definitely downsides.
And I get enough of that with the bipolar anyway. It's nice to finally be mostly down from this most recent one.
My sex drive is back down to human-Sarah level, not an obtrusive distraction to everything else in life. And my impulse control is back up to normal-Sarah levels (not that that's saying so very much).

While I was back at Kenyon, I picked up a copy of Kluge's Alma Mater, about a year at Kenyon. I was looking forward to reading it, for the different perspective on my erstwhile home, and for the nostalgia trip. What I hadn't realized was when he wrote it.

Judging by the references (the state of construction on the Bike Path, Mike Stone, the Safer Sex demo, and Allen Ginsburg's visit), and the copyright date (1993; my freshman year was '91-'92) he wrote this my freshman year. It's making it an especially bizarre read.

I'm finally feeling mostly human again, after a week of insane fatigue and flaring. More storms tonight, though, so we'll see how long this lasts. Escorting tomorrow, and then a relatively mellow weekend, and seeing some folks I'm really looking forward to seeing.

Caught Puccini for Beginners with

grf last night; we ended up talking about how many of these movies with bi or behaviourally bi characters (Chasing Amy, Kissing Jessica Stein, etc) we love for about the first 2/3rds, and then find ourselves getting progressively more irritated at. Puccini for Beginners did manage to irk me less than Chasing Amy, though, so that's something. I guess. Frustrating, though, given how very much I loved most of it.

Oh, and if I forgot to mention it, The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down is thoroughly chuckle-worthy; I loved it.

The reunion last weekend was marvelous; it occurs to me I haven't actually written anything about it yet. I didn't do much looking people up this year (I'd just done that last year; some years I'm in the mood to find all my ex-coworkers and local friends, some years I just want to retreat into Peepish seclusion), and there weren't as many from my generation as usual, but in the end, it all contributed to an extremely mellow, relaxed weekend, where I got to see the folks who were there (hey,

virgilsego,

patentpink,

leveldeaded), and get some good quality time, without spending all my time worrying about trying to meet up with folks and figure out plans with the dubious assistance of intermittent cell phone connectivity. Instead, I got to spend the weekend showing Grafton around to all the spots I love, wandering in the woods, playing in the upside-down tree, hanging out with fun folks from other years, being as messed up as we liked as much as we liked, amongst friendly folks who wouldn't look askance at inebriated silliness regardless of their current relationship with recreational chemicals, and being in the woods. Wow, I miss my woods. I'm pleased they've done as well as they have at maintaining them despite the new construction.

I also volunteered to be Peep Alumni Association secretary for the next four years, which means I'll be working with

virgilsego on the website and a new mailing list, and with

leveldeaded on the next reunion (P2K+12). It also means a nice excuse to get down to Gambier for the Alumni Association meetings in February.

Anyway, yes, marvelous.

In other amusing news, it's that time of year... I've started trimming Leroy down in earnest. He looks characteristically silly, because I tend to work on whatever bit I can get ahold of, and because I leave his hair long around the nape of his neck, because of how much he and Tarma wrestle. So far I've gotten most of his torso from the shoulders back, a snip here and there at his legs, and a bit of his mane on one side. Off-kilter and a touch leprous. Yeah, that's definitely the look I was going for. *snerk*

Holy crap, Facebook just keeps getting weirder! I just got a friending notice from another high school friend, and last night I heard from one of my best friends from high school (first boy I ever fell in love with, and the reason I find it so bizarre that it took me until recently to get into Doctor Who; he was a huge fan). I think I've decided I'm entirely giving up on the Facebook apps, though. They baffle me, and I keep sending stuff I don't mean to. And I'm not signed in often enough (it's blocked from work) to keep up with the game-related ones.

Oh, and a reminder to local folks; we're having a Firepit party tonight, starting around 8:30pm -- email me or check

bec76's journal for details...

And as a public service reminder: Just say no to warrantless searches

Current Mood: chipper

On matters of passing

I identify strongly with elements of her experience, although the details are somewhat different than mine. But by and large, it's not hard for me to be accepted in mainstream society, or to pass in a variety of ways, either accidentally or by default, or sometimes by decision. And I think it's part of why I'm loud.

The following really particularly spoke to me:

"I am sick to fucking death of dyke or lesbian or man being a way to call women ugly. I am sick to death of bitch and girl and pussy to call down the spectre of cowardice on men. And I am sick unto fucking death of transfolk being treated as if they are somehow unreal, temporary of spirit or the last of the circus sideshow."

and this:

"My flesh was made for our little binary world more than most people's. But I wasn't. And I try not to hide behind what I have. But sometimes it is so unavoidable that all I can do is be a supporter in what is actually, also my own battle. Because it doesn't show. Because I could have more secrets than I do.

This is one of the more moving responses to what happened at Wiscon. I practically stood up and cheered at the office.

Call me a man. Call me a woman. I don't care. But you damn well better make it a compliment or at least mere observation. Because otherwise, you're wasting your breath. I'm not going to be anything other than what I am no matter what you say. And I'm not going to be quiet. And no matter who you target or why, I am not going to relax into this life of passing."

And

gement pointed to a fucking fabulous response to a "why do all those freaks have to make us normal people look bad?" retread:

Any major shift in cultural paradigms is led by the people who have not only the most to gain from it, but the least to lose. "Loose women" suffragettes, "flaming" gays, and so on. All those "wing-nuts and wackanoodles"? You should be *thanking them*. If they hadn't blazed the trail, if they weren't pushing the boundaries of what was considered acceptable by the mainstream, your 'normal'/HWP/whatever ass would still be so far back in the Poly closet you'd see Narnia.

---A grateful 'normal' poly person.

Current Mood: impressed

A fabulous response to the Wiscon troll

The very best bit: I am still fat, and I am still not sorry. And nothing you can say, nothing you can post, nothing you can do will change that. No matter how many times you try to humiliate me. No matter how much you want me to hate myself. Because it’s my fucking body. And I don’t owe you a damn thing.

-------------

Also, I'm now 100% certain I'm attending Wiscon next year.

Current Mood: enraged

And along the lines of new recommendations, I was recently pointed toward Tristan Taormino's new site, Opening Up, about open relationships (she also has a sex advice site, and she makes awesome porn. Um, yeah. I'm a bit of a fangirl.) I'm looking forward to reading the book, but the blog has some really great links (some of you may be particularly interested in the post about the Survey of Sex Professionals' Relationships, which I agree absolutely needs more study.

Current Mood: pleased

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Entries tagged with sparkly

Brief life update...

As if I needed another reason...

Oh, no.

Tattoo! Tattootattootattoo!

Article: HHS Moves to Define Contraception as Abortion

Self-correcting mechanisms...

That was fun.

Good Day...

Articles

Free range ramble...

Photo Essay: Phone Sex Operators

Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed

Upside Down Tree

And as long as I'm on a roll...

Mixed episode?

I want to be that bear right now.

Alma Mater

A wonderful post by rm

Yes, yes, and yes again.

Poly: Tristan's New Site