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moominmuppetYeah, yeah. I know, you're sick of hearing about it. Just be glad you're not my poor housemates.
In reply to a question about whether falling hard for someone is a bad thing in my life because it could lead in too traditional directions:
Well, the thing is that "wanting someone in my life permanently" doesn't necessarily look all that traditional to me (and traditional isn't bad, it just doesn't suit me).
If it does go that direction, there are a multitude of different ways that could sort out. Due to households, kids, school systems, etc, we may not want to live together, or at least not any time soon. Certainly I'm not interested in ceasing to have my little hippy commune that I've spent 20 years desiring and working toward creating.
And even if we did live together, I don't think that'd necessarily work out in particularly traditional ways (especially in regards to monogamy and maintaining other relationships and being part of a larger chosen household).
It's not commitment itself that bothers me; I tend to have very committed relationships that last for years. Sometimes (often) the nature of those relationships evolves over time, but it's rare and stunningly painful for me to actually lose someone from my life. It more often looks something like it did last night, when my first girlfriend, from 15 years ago, came by our party, met and approved and welcomed NL, and then stayed to talk with me about plans to set me up as her medical PoA. We've been platonic for more than a decade now, but she's still a big part of my life and I love her dearly and consider her family. To me, that's commitment. As is what I have with my household; I've been living with them for between 4 and 10 years now (depending on who you're talking about), and functioning with at least partially shared finances and decision-making approach for most of that.
It's trying to fit what "committed" looks like into premade boxes that don't fit how it works in my life that causes me problems. Part of why I feel comfortable with NL is that I don't feel a pressure to do that. So I'm not really stressed about the future, although I am glad it's the future, and we don't have to figure it all out today.
Also, legal marriage is mostly a non-issue. Although I'd legally marry to provide health insurance or benefits to a partner who needed them, that's the only reason, and it'd be under the duress of a system that won't otherwise provide those things. Marriage as an institution doesn't really interest me, and I have a lot of issues with it. And I've claimed for years that if I somehow get pressured into an actual wedding ceremony, I'm making my friend Chad from college be my stunt double, and I'm going to Cedar Point instead. Even as social obligations I've dodged all but about four weddings in the past decade and a half amongst my friends. The exceptions were my very nearest and dearest, and were held in caves, back yards, gazebos, mountain tops and other marvelously informal locations. (on the other hand, despite hating formal events and not really liking marriage as a concept, I'm a total sap for my friends being in love, and will sob like a sobbing thing on the rare occasions I do turn up at such events).
In reply to a question about whether falling hard for someone is a bad thing in my life because it could lead in too traditional directions:
Well, the thing is that "wanting someone in my life permanently" doesn't necessarily look all that traditional to me (and traditional isn't bad, it just doesn't suit me).
If it does go that direction, there are a multitude of different ways that could sort out. Due to households, kids, school systems, etc, we may not want to live together, or at least not any time soon. Certainly I'm not interested in ceasing to have my little hippy commune that I've spent 20 years desiring and working toward creating.
And even if we did live together, I don't think that'd necessarily work out in particularly traditional ways (especially in regards to monogamy and maintaining other relationships and being part of a larger chosen household).
It's not commitment itself that bothers me; I tend to have very committed relationships that last for years. Sometimes (often) the nature of those relationships evolves over time, but it's rare and stunningly painful for me to actually lose someone from my life. It more often looks something like it did last night, when my first girlfriend, from 15 years ago, came by our party, met and approved and welcomed NL, and then stayed to talk with me about plans to set me up as her medical PoA. We've been platonic for more than a decade now, but she's still a big part of my life and I love her dearly and consider her family. To me, that's commitment. As is what I have with my household; I've been living with them for between 4 and 10 years now (depending on who you're talking about), and functioning with at least partially shared finances and decision-making approach for most of that.
It's trying to fit what "committed" looks like into premade boxes that don't fit how it works in my life that causes me problems. Part of why I feel comfortable with NL is that I don't feel a pressure to do that. So I'm not really stressed about the future, although I am glad it's the future, and we don't have to figure it all out today.
Also, legal marriage is mostly a non-issue. Although I'd legally marry to provide health insurance or benefits to a partner who needed them, that's the only reason, and it'd be under the duress of a system that won't otherwise provide those things. Marriage as an institution doesn't really interest me, and I have a lot of issues with it. And I've claimed for years that if I somehow get pressured into an actual wedding ceremony, I'm making my friend Chad from college be my stunt double, and I'm going to Cedar Point instead. Even as social obligations I've dodged all but about four weddings in the past decade and a half amongst my friends. The exceptions were my very nearest and dearest, and were held in caves, back yards, gazebos, mountain tops and other marvelously informal locations. (on the other hand, despite hating formal events and not really liking marriage as a concept, I'm a total sap for my friends being in love, and will sob like a sobbing thing on the rare occasions I do turn up at such events).
