![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moominmuppetNow that I screw up less often, what benefits and joys do I find in poly involvements that are specific to that type of relationship?
For those who have access to the sex filter (those who don't and would like to, let me know and I'll add you -- those who are FB-only and would like to read it, send me a note and I'll email it to you), my post the other day about handling energy/libido differences actually feels conceptually related to some broader benefits of poly and how I try to organize my life. I really value flexibility, and options for handling things that don't require or presume that everyone's going to have the same needs at the same time.
One of the big advantages for me in that regard has to do with my level of emotional and libido unpredictability. I choose to live with my bipolar with relatively little medical management, so I go through notable periods of hypomania and depression. This makes me a difficult primary partner, to say the least, and a _very_ difficult partner if I'm the only source of romantic/sexual contact for my partner. And if I'm depressed, the more I'm stressing about not meeting my partner's needs, the more I withdraw and shut down, which is remarkably counterproductive. If I hit a hypersexual period, no one partner can keep up with me, and I end up feeling rejected/needy/frustrated and uncomfortably dependent on my partner. By encouraging my partners to have other sources of romantic/sexual connection, I'm able to feel less guilty about it when I can't be that, and feeling less guilty actually means I'm more likely to come out of that phase sooner. And by having the freedom to broaden my explorations when I'm hypersexual, I don't feel like my sexuality is a burden on my partners (which is a remarkably icky feeling). None of this means that people are just interchangeable, and I know my partners miss me when I'm anhedonic, but it's much easier to navigate that than if it were "missing me AND I'm the only allowed option".
Also, I love the freedom to allow each relationship to find its own balance and level, without a preset format to match, or arbitrary and externally-imposed hard boundaries. I feel like I much more often end up in "just right for us" situations because of that freedom, and because I don't feel that I need to negotiate to get all my romantic/sexual needs met by any one person. If I'm connecting with another human being, that's awesome. If part of that connection is sexual, I'm generally rather interested in exploring that. Getting to know someone sexually is a specific element of getting to know the person as a whole, and I enjoy when that's an option. In some cases, the sexual connection may be an expression of the love and affection in the friendship or relationship, in others it's more of a shared interest/shared playspace just for having fun together. Either way, being poly allows me to be open to those kinds of explorations and connections with people that I couldn't necessarily seriously partner with. It's more of them I can appreciate, without trying to force things into a shape they don't fit.
The freedom to be in love with more than one person at a time, and not having to cut off previous connections just because I find something new and awesome. These are two separate but related issues. Being able to be in love with more than one person at a time is very good for me, since my heart never got the memo that it wasn't supposed to do that. Not having to cut off previous connections has to do with established and valued involvements that may not be headed in any sort of primary partner direction, but which are deeply meaningful to me, and would be very painful to give up. And it just never made sense why I would have to do that. This is part of why I have specific hot-buttons around losing partners to monogamous relationships -- I can deal with a relationship that's lived its span, or isn't working out, and that causing an end to things. It's much harder to deal with something otherwise beautiful and healthy having to be sacrificed for reasons that I understand but don't intuitively grok. Sex is expressive and communicative, as well as a damn lot of fun. It's hard to lose that palette of expression in a relationship, whether it's a romance or a friendship.
Although some folks are poly almost entirely because of the ability to be in love with multiple people, and the sexual side is a minor factor, that's not the case for me. I'm an explorer and a sex geek. I'm fascinated by the topic, by all the different ways sex can be. And because it's such a personal and psychological thing, it's simply not possible to explore as much of that territory as I'd like with any one individual. I love the variety of different dynamics I develop with people. I love the physical and psychological variety in my partners, and how that makes sex so different with each one. Also, sex is fun and I like it. If I don't have to unnecessarily limit how I can play in that playground, I don't want to.
Also, I love seeing my partners with their other partners. I'm very prone to compersion, and get a great deal of joy from seeing them be all excited about a new involvement, or happily cuddling with another partner, or marrying their primary partner.
I also enjoy the extra sexual energy and new ideas that partners often bring home when they're engaged in a new involvement. It's a lovely bonus. And I love group sex, as mentioned previously, and poly makes that easier to achieve and to navigate. I love seeing how my partners interact with other people sexually, I love the things I learn, I love being able to engage in teamwork sexually.
Relatedly, I really enjoy the kind of dynamics that can evolve even with metamours that I never sleep with. I love the shared experience of dating the same person, and how it's possible to bond over that.
I also like being known on a relational and sexual level by so many people. It's been an incredible resource and source of advice and insight. It means they're able to "get me" on a level that people who don't have that experience with me just can't. Some of this is about being poly, some of it is about how I rarely completely lose touch with exes, and often maintain very close friendships with them. Either way, it matters to me.
And although this is also true of platonic friends, I love how unique each of my partners is, and how I get different things from each relationship.
And I'm basically out of time, so anything else I'll add later in comments.
For those who have access to the sex filter (those who don't and would like to, let me know and I'll add you -- those who are FB-only and would like to read it, send me a note and I'll email it to you), my post the other day about handling energy/libido differences actually feels conceptually related to some broader benefits of poly and how I try to organize my life. I really value flexibility, and options for handling things that don't require or presume that everyone's going to have the same needs at the same time.
One of the big advantages for me in that regard has to do with my level of emotional and libido unpredictability. I choose to live with my bipolar with relatively little medical management, so I go through notable periods of hypomania and depression. This makes me a difficult primary partner, to say the least, and a _very_ difficult partner if I'm the only source of romantic/sexual contact for my partner. And if I'm depressed, the more I'm stressing about not meeting my partner's needs, the more I withdraw and shut down, which is remarkably counterproductive. If I hit a hypersexual period, no one partner can keep up with me, and I end up feeling rejected/needy/frustrated and uncomfortably dependent on my partner. By encouraging my partners to have other sources of romantic/sexual connection, I'm able to feel less guilty about it when I can't be that, and feeling less guilty actually means I'm more likely to come out of that phase sooner. And by having the freedom to broaden my explorations when I'm hypersexual, I don't feel like my sexuality is a burden on my partners (which is a remarkably icky feeling). None of this means that people are just interchangeable, and I know my partners miss me when I'm anhedonic, but it's much easier to navigate that than if it were "missing me AND I'm the only allowed option".
Also, I love the freedom to allow each relationship to find its own balance and level, without a preset format to match, or arbitrary and externally-imposed hard boundaries. I feel like I much more often end up in "just right for us" situations because of that freedom, and because I don't feel that I need to negotiate to get all my romantic/sexual needs met by any one person. If I'm connecting with another human being, that's awesome. If part of that connection is sexual, I'm generally rather interested in exploring that. Getting to know someone sexually is a specific element of getting to know the person as a whole, and I enjoy when that's an option. In some cases, the sexual connection may be an expression of the love and affection in the friendship or relationship, in others it's more of a shared interest/shared playspace just for having fun together. Either way, being poly allows me to be open to those kinds of explorations and connections with people that I couldn't necessarily seriously partner with. It's more of them I can appreciate, without trying to force things into a shape they don't fit.
The freedom to be in love with more than one person at a time, and not having to cut off previous connections just because I find something new and awesome. These are two separate but related issues. Being able to be in love with more than one person at a time is very good for me, since my heart never got the memo that it wasn't supposed to do that. Not having to cut off previous connections has to do with established and valued involvements that may not be headed in any sort of primary partner direction, but which are deeply meaningful to me, and would be very painful to give up. And it just never made sense why I would have to do that. This is part of why I have specific hot-buttons around losing partners to monogamous relationships -- I can deal with a relationship that's lived its span, or isn't working out, and that causing an end to things. It's much harder to deal with something otherwise beautiful and healthy having to be sacrificed for reasons that I understand but don't intuitively grok. Sex is expressive and communicative, as well as a damn lot of fun. It's hard to lose that palette of expression in a relationship, whether it's a romance or a friendship.
Although some folks are poly almost entirely because of the ability to be in love with multiple people, and the sexual side is a minor factor, that's not the case for me. I'm an explorer and a sex geek. I'm fascinated by the topic, by all the different ways sex can be. And because it's such a personal and psychological thing, it's simply not possible to explore as much of that territory as I'd like with any one individual. I love the variety of different dynamics I develop with people. I love the physical and psychological variety in my partners, and how that makes sex so different with each one. Also, sex is fun and I like it. If I don't have to unnecessarily limit how I can play in that playground, I don't want to.
Also, I love seeing my partners with their other partners. I'm very prone to compersion, and get a great deal of joy from seeing them be all excited about a new involvement, or happily cuddling with another partner, or marrying their primary partner.
I also enjoy the extra sexual energy and new ideas that partners often bring home when they're engaged in a new involvement. It's a lovely bonus. And I love group sex, as mentioned previously, and poly makes that easier to achieve and to navigate. I love seeing how my partners interact with other people sexually, I love the things I learn, I love being able to engage in teamwork sexually.
Relatedly, I really enjoy the kind of dynamics that can evolve even with metamours that I never sleep with. I love the shared experience of dating the same person, and how it's possible to bond over that.
I also like being known on a relational and sexual level by so many people. It's been an incredible resource and source of advice and insight. It means they're able to "get me" on a level that people who don't have that experience with me just can't. Some of this is about being poly, some of it is about how I rarely completely lose touch with exes, and often maintain very close friendships with them. Either way, it matters to me.
And although this is also true of platonic friends, I love how unique each of my partners is, and how I get different things from each relationship.
And I'm basically out of time, so anything else I'll add later in comments.
