Prophylactic honesty
May. 18th, 2015 03:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moominmuppetI commented in another post recently that I often feel less vulnerable nude than clothed. And I feel more comfortable being open than closed, psychologically. (in both cases, barring situations where I feel I have rudely overstepped local norms; I hate that feeling)
This is nothing like clear-cut bravery. This is self-defense. Prophylactic honesty.
It is very easy to hurt me with rejection if I care the least little bit how you feel about me. Hell, it's not hard for complete strangers to do it, but it draws less blood. I'm a deeply social creature; to pretend otherwise is a farce (although I engage in farcical behavior at times anyway).
I don't handle dread well, to say the least. My brain eats itself when I'm trying to guess what horrible outcome might be barreling down the track. I get neurotic if I suspect miscommunication. Anxiety paralyzes me when confrontation looms.
When I worry that I am being accepted (and, ooh, that feels good), but could be rejected down the line when X or Y comes out, I live in those worries, let them make me more hesitant and withdrawn and everything I don't want to be. Let them leave me worrying that when the time comes, I won't have the guts to say what I need to, that I'll end up in some closet or another, or that I'll be rejected and it'll be so much worse for the build-up of previous trust.
So I try not to let there be anything to make me feel that way. Not sure whether you will like my body? Here it is naked, now I can stop worrying what you'll think when I take off my clothes. Not sure whether you're interested in me, and I'm feeling crushy? I'll probably tell you so directly, so I don't turn into a babbling idiot around you while I try to second-guess every word and action. Worried a dark secret or bad habit will turn your opinion against me? Then I'll probably lay it on the table first chance I get. I explain, and clarify, and re-explain to a ridiculous level at times.
On top of the defense against my own worst mental glitches, it's also an issue of positive reclamation. (Like many of us) I was a geek with no social skills growing up. I learned the power of claiming my identity, and reclaiming the words used to torture me, long before I got to college courses on the politics of being Out. You want to use "weird" or "geek" to insult me? Fuck you, I'll wear them with pride. Fat? Crazy? Queer? Mine, mine, mine.
I live loudly so people can find me, but also so they can avoid me if they choose. So that whatever decisions they've made along those lines are fait accompli long before I care enough for them to be able to deeply hurt me.
And that's the end of my workday, so the end of this post, for better or for worse. (I work on a helpdesk, lots of time for typing while users are rebooting and such)
This is nothing like clear-cut bravery. This is self-defense. Prophylactic honesty.
It is very easy to hurt me with rejection if I care the least little bit how you feel about me. Hell, it's not hard for complete strangers to do it, but it draws less blood. I'm a deeply social creature; to pretend otherwise is a farce (although I engage in farcical behavior at times anyway).
I don't handle dread well, to say the least. My brain eats itself when I'm trying to guess what horrible outcome might be barreling down the track. I get neurotic if I suspect miscommunication. Anxiety paralyzes me when confrontation looms.
When I worry that I am being accepted (and, ooh, that feels good), but could be rejected down the line when X or Y comes out, I live in those worries, let them make me more hesitant and withdrawn and everything I don't want to be. Let them leave me worrying that when the time comes, I won't have the guts to say what I need to, that I'll end up in some closet or another, or that I'll be rejected and it'll be so much worse for the build-up of previous trust.
So I try not to let there be anything to make me feel that way. Not sure whether you will like my body? Here it is naked, now I can stop worrying what you'll think when I take off my clothes. Not sure whether you're interested in me, and I'm feeling crushy? I'll probably tell you so directly, so I don't turn into a babbling idiot around you while I try to second-guess every word and action. Worried a dark secret or bad habit will turn your opinion against me? Then I'll probably lay it on the table first chance I get. I explain, and clarify, and re-explain to a ridiculous level at times.
On top of the defense against my own worst mental glitches, it's also an issue of positive reclamation. (Like many of us) I was a geek with no social skills growing up. I learned the power of claiming my identity, and reclaiming the words used to torture me, long before I got to college courses on the politics of being Out. You want to use "weird" or "geek" to insult me? Fuck you, I'll wear them with pride. Fat? Crazy? Queer? Mine, mine, mine.
I live loudly so people can find me, but also so they can avoid me if they choose. So that whatever decisions they've made along those lines are fait accompli long before I care enough for them to be able to deeply hurt me.
And that's the end of my workday, so the end of this post, for better or for worse. (I work on a helpdesk, lots of time for typing while users are rebooting and such)
