Excellent weekend

Just too little time at the moment to write about it. Escorting was extra-fun; it was me and Casey, and a new guy that we've decided gets the Sarah and Casey stamp of approval -- great conversations all day, which makes the time pass so much faster, and makes it easier to cope with some of the particularly obnoxious tactics from the antis (they've really been pushing the limits of the FACE act in terms of standing in front of vehicles).

The rest of Saturday was excellent and enjoyable social time with a few folks, and general household hang-out as well. Sunday was chill to the point of comatose; finally caught up on some sleep, but less housekeeping than I'd meant.

Oh. Well, got some more time to write after all. Our phone switch just died. I work on a helpdesk. We're rather paralysed at the moment.

So, back to Sunday. Went to the first CYPRUS meeting (which I'd posted about a week or so ago -- the new local kink/alternative sexualities 18-25 group in the area), which was fun, even if the restaurant seated us in the least convenient way possible. I'll definitely be returning.

Right now I'm going back and adding to GoodReads all the books I've read from the "Books Read" page of my "Books to Read" spreadsheet. So, leveldeaded and patentpink, I think you're about to get a really ridiculous number of notifications all at once. Sorry about that.

Currently reading Sex Collectors: The Secret World of Consumers, Connoisseurs, Curators, Creators, Dealers, Bibliographers, and Accumulators of "Erotica". It's a very light read so far; fun, but as much about the author's journey as about what he found.

On why I use LJ the way I do

I wrote this to a friend, but by the time I was finished, it seemed like a pretty good post, so here it is.

You're right that LJ is an odd and interesting world, and it does bring up all sorts of fascinating questions about public and private space. Different people handle it in different ways -- many post only "friends-only", for example. I've made the decisions I have for a couple of reasons, some practical, some philosophical, and some personality-based.

The practical are that I'm already so out about my life, that except for anything work-related or recreational-chemical-related (which I always friends-lock), I don't worry about who's going to discover what. There's really no one left to shock. My coworkers and boss are aware, at least tangentially, that I'm Not the Average Bear. My family is. My friends all certainly are. I passed any point of electability years ago, in terms of available documentation of my debauchery. So the additional risks for me are moderately low. Secondly, it makes it easier for me to meet new people, because they can look at my public posts, at least, to get a general sense of me. I've made a lot of friends on LJ that way, and I find the benefits to be substantial enough to outweigh stalker risks. Also, it means old friends who might not have LJ accounts can at least get a general sense of what's up with me. Given that I'm still in touch with quite a large number of people from the past 17 or so years of my life, that's valuable to me too.

On the philosophical level, I'm very much an activist, and the small decisions I make it life are generally in some way influenced by my decision about what social effects my decisions may have. I think it's important and valuable for people to be out there, talking about their lives honestly, especially the things that surprise/shock/confuse people. I don't like that sexuality, and especially non-normative sexuality get hushed and hidden. Being public gives people a chance to humanize those experiences, learn things, share suggestions, feel less alone, etc. So some of my posts are public because I'm trying to share information (links, etc), and I want people to be able to share those beyond my friends list. Some are public because it doesn't bother me for them to be so, it provides a more accurate, realistic perspective on my life (whether that's the trivial or the bizarre), and I like my online representation of myself to be as accurate as possible, and as much of a chance as possible for people to satisfy some curiosity about what "people like that" are like as possible. And some of it's because I have my attention-whore/exhibitionist days, like most extroverts (I'm actually right on the border between extrovert and introvert, myself -- online community is great because it allows me to be social without getting too overwhelmed).

I think the single strangest thing for me about LJ, though, which is both good, and bad, and weird, and all of those at the same time, is how much my entire life intersects there. Friends from high school, friends from college, my siblings, my exes, my current partners, people from my patient-instructing and clinic-escorting groups, people from various other communities I frequent (a lot of folks from various bi mailing lists, for instance). It forces me to be the most holistic me I can be, which is a fascinating challenge. Not one I'm always 100% up for every day, though. There are times when it's nice to compartmentalize and just deal with the people who know Side Z or Perspective A of me, for example.

Still, I was talking to a friend on mine the other day about how LJ really kind of recreates a small college atmosphere (I spent 10 years at the school I went to, both as student and an employee) -- it allows tangential or occasional direct interactions without either requiring a huge outlay of energy or letting people totally drop off the face of the planet.

Another random post -- poly stuff

Again, from an email conversation, from someone who was asking about poly stuff, and starting poly relationships.

I tend to think of relationship-style orientation as another spectrum like gender or sexual orientation or kink preference -- even to get reductively two-dimensional about it, there's a wide range, and a lot of people somewhere in the middle. For example, I would describe myself as being pretty much at the far end of the monogamy/polyamory spectrum. I don't seem to be able to function in officially monogamous relationships (although de facto monogamous seems to be ok for periods). I've never been able to. It never made sense to me. It's a bit like being gay in a straight world -- I just didn't _get_ it -- what I saw modelled around me didn't connect with me emotionally at all. The few mentions of open relationships (almost exclusively in SF/F -- thank god I was a geek) were absolute fantasies for me, before I could even explain why. It felt right. I also know a lot of people who are very, deep-down, inherently monogamous. They're not going to be happy in an open relationship. It's not even a possessiveness thing -- it's just not how they connect emotionally. They bond deeply to one person, period. And a lot of people are somewhere in the middle, but deeply influenced by our culture (similar to how so many people have some level of bisexual desire, but cultural pressures make it less likely to be expressed, and more high drama and stressful when it is). The people in the middle may be able to function in an open or closed relationship, depending on the people, the dynamics, the point in their life, the other practical life stressors and considerations... A decent number of people I know to have been successfully happy and poly at some points in their lives are monogamous at others just because it's simpler, and life is complicated enough. That said, I'd say that early conversations about relationship styles are a good way of sorting things out, although hampered by the fact that most people haven't even been told that's something they get to consider, and have trouble wrapping their brains around it. First poly relationships can be rocky, largely for those sorts of reasons -- it's a rethinking of all sorts of engrained assumptions, and sorting out personal needs from cultural chaff. As I've been more aware of my own relationship-style needs, (and had enough relationships go "BOOM" over me not understanding mine or my partners), I've learned better how to recognize potential compatibility and, conversely, "warning signs" (which aren't necessarily a reflection on the person -- simply on the likelihood of them having a happy relationship with me). I can be comfortably involved with people who are somewhere in the middle of the range, as long as we find a dynamic that makes it work for both of us, but I tend to be happiest with people who have a similar need for an open relationship, because it does sort of balance a bit better for me when it's something we are both actively invested in making maintainable for our own happiness as well as our partner's. Although I have seen poly/mono mixed relationships that work, it's generally seemed to be a very hard road to travel, and I try to avoid that dynamic, personally. In terms of trying to have a poly relationship, I'd say start with the old chestnuts -- honesty, communication, and going slow, with an awareness that it simply may not work with that person -- it may not be a relationship style that'll make that individual happy.