Self-correcting mechanisms...

I'm pretty incapable of functioning sexually when I'm having mixed feelings, or have something in my head unaddressed. That particular quirk of my personality's had a lot of bizarre impacts in my life, but it does tend to mean I've learned that letting things stew and getting passive-aggressive is really cutting off my nose despite my face. Wish I had such a useful self-correction mechanism in my non-sexual relationships, sometimes. (not always, though... There have been times where an unresolved issue then killed sex life, which then became its own bigger issue)

It also has a lot to do with the balance of poly and slutty in my life... There are times it would be really convenient to be able to lower my standards, honestly. Times when I just want to explore something, or just want to get laid, or what-have-you. But I don't get a lot of choice in the matter, really. It's almost always true that I simply don't respond sexually to people I don't like and connect with well enough to want something ongoing on some level. And I don't respond sexually in situations where what's happening romantically or emotionally is out-of-kilter and needs to be addressed, or where there's an ethical issue by my personal standards. It's a convenient substitute for good judgement, at times, and a huge frustration at others.

It also has a really funny effect on the sexual progress of my relationships. It may take me hours or months to make my decision (or rather, to let my gut make it for me), but I'm ridiculously "all-or-nothing". I rarely kiss someone I'm not at least theoretically willing to sleep with at that moment, although certain practical matters (necessary conversations, locale, energy level, etc) may in fact postpone things. And once I've hit that tipping point, I'm basically all-in, and entirely present. One of the things I like best about sex is that it's when I feel most truly and completely myself (part of why I think I have the shut-down mechanism I do, actually, and part of why role-play just isn't my thing).

Hmmm. I think this may be part of why I'm so much slower-moving and frankly neurotic in potentially romantic relationships -- complicated mixed feelings are much more part and parcel of figuring that out. And there are all the incredibly tricky issues of whether we can fit our lives together in a way that works, and the points of conflict and negotiation that come up in primary relationships. And the potential for hurt triggers my ethics off-switch ridiculously easily (hypersensitive hair-trigger, I'd say, especially around romantic imbalance), especially since one of my biggest, meanest, and most rabid brainmice is the "You will hurt wonderful people who totally don't deserve that because you haven't learned your lessons" mouse. I have an infinitely easier time dealing with my own heartbreaks than those of others I've caused, especially those where I saw glimpses of the incompatibilities early, and rationalized them away. Hmmm. Another connection that just came to me -- I don't respond sexually if I don't believe the other person can/will stand up to me if need be. I've got a forceful personality, and I worry a lot about steamrolling other people. When I don't trust they'll do that for themselves I get hypervigilant and have a much harder time letting go and relaxing.

Also why poly with a reluctant partner, for the couple of years I did that, really resulted in "entirely theoretical poly" pretty quickly -- knowing it's going to upset someone I care about, or cause tension, also kills it for me, and I stop reacting. Downside there, I also stop reacting within the relationship. Every time I've felt pressure to be fidelitous it's either killed the relationship, or killed my sex drive (which tends to contribute to relationship death anyway).