Bone-tired and over-emotional

I just barely managed to drag myself in today. As I had clarified to Chad last week, I'm pretty rock-solid during crises, and then tend to collapse after them, both emotionally and physically. I'm definitely at that point right now, even though things aren't actually entirely sorted and resolved (I myself lost six hours of extraordinarily careful writing about touchy stuff, and haven't had the emotional energy to go back and re-write yet, although that may ultimately be for the best in this situation). Things aren't in active crisis at the moment, though, so the breather has been good for restoring some calm to the situation.

Today I seem to be especially emotional. Cried my eyes out finishing up watching the Olympics Opening Ceremony, even though I can quote chapter and verse on reasons to be cynical in regards to it. (I'm always simultaneously a sap and a cynic about the Olympics, and especially about their effects on the locations in which they're held.) Cried some more listening to old hymns on youtube.

Also on the emotional but ultimately positive side, I finally wrote and sent a 20-year-overdue apology to a person in my life who richly deserved it.

And Chad's been great about switching around to being my support while I recover from the effects of the past week, too, which has been awesome; he's made me feel overwhelmingly loved and appreciated and supported.

So, basically, things are good. I'm just feeling so tired and incoherent at this point that the rest of the evening will be spent focusing on stuff that just doesn't require much focus (or emotional processing). Probably more music stuff.

Music and emotion

I'm not entirely certain why, but youtube is currently unlocked at work. I'm luxuriating in being able to listen to the songs I'm thinking about.

Music is definitely all about emotional resonance and historical touchstones in my life. It's why going back through all these church songs is hitting me so intensely, and each reminds me in turn about another I'd forgotten...

Songs on my mind, in no particular order:

Shelter from the Storm - Bob Dylan
I'm listening to this one as I start this post. This is the version of it that I love, and that I "lost" in a way for a number of years. My long-ago ex, Mike, said it reminded him of me, and it was therefore important to me during our relationship, and too deeply painful for many years afterward. The day I discovered that I'd released those associations and could just enjoy the song again was a beautiful day in my life. I think something similar is happening to me with the religious music, which is what got me thinking about this. In some ways, I "broke up" with Christianity after a very long and intense relationship. Although I haven't doubted my decision to do so, it's not one that's free of grief and loss for me, and for a long time I think this music hit those emotions too hard for me. I'm feeling, at least at the moment, as if I can enjoy the beauty and power of the music without mourning that it no longer speaks so directly to me.

"Here I Am, Lord" (very solemn hymn) -- this is a stunningly beautiful version of this song, done by Andrew Parnell, Barry Rose & The Boys & Men of the Choir of the Cathedral & Abbey Church of St Alban. Much as "Shelter from the Storm" was "my song with Mike", this, more than anything else, was "my song with Christianity". I always had a powerful feeling of calling, and struggled with how to express that and follow through on it. Actually, I still do, it's just non-religious now. This song, the combination of the beauty of the music, the powerful nature imagery (always how I connected best with God), the lyrics from Isaiah as he struggles with his own sense of calling... It hit me hard. It's the song that moved me to tears on my own front porch this morning, and just did it again sitting here. "Lord of the Dance", as I mentioned in my previous post, reflects a great deal about how I experienced Christianity, but "Here I am" is the most deeply and personally emotional for me.

Have You Seen Jesus My Lord -- another one that hits two of my big emotional hot-buttons; nature imagery and sense of community/love. It's not actually all that great musically, but the lyrics meant a great deal to me:
Refrain:
Have you seen Jesus my Lord?
He's here in plain view.
Take a look, open your eyes,
He'll show it to you.

1. Have you ever looked at the sunset
With the sky mellowing red,
And the clouds suspended like feathers
Then I say... (pause)
You've seen Jesus my Lord.

2. Have you ever stood at the ocean
with the white foam at your feet,
Felt the endless thundering motion?
Then I say...(pause)
You've seen Jesus my Lord. (refrain)

3. Have you ever looked at the cross,
with a man hanging in pain
And the look of love in his eyes?
Then I say...(pause)
You've seen Jesus my Lord. (refrain)

4. Have you ever stood in the family
With the Lord there in your midst
Seen the face of Christ on each other?
Then I say... (pause)
You've seen Jesus My Lord. (refrain)

Lord of the Dance (Christian Lyrics) -- I already talked about what this one meant to me, but this is a pretty decent version that reflects the up-tempo element and the sheer joy of it.

We are One in The Spirit (they'll know we are Christians by our love) -- Oh, so deeply conflicted on this. All about community and working together and love and not being hypocrites, but also one of the most dangerous sentiments out there, in my opinion. So much implication that people who are NOT Christian can be expected not to behave in these ways, and as an atheist I run into that crap all the damned time.

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that all unity may one day be restored
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other, we will work side by side
We will work with each other, we will work side by side
And we'll guard each one's dignity and save each one's pride
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
And together we'll spread the news that God is in our land
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love
By our love, by our love
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

Oh, FWIW I did follow through on my "threat" to go all spreadsheet about this. I'm currently about 60 pages through the songbook, creating a googledoc to use as a reference, with Title, Author, Page, Religious Content, To Share With Kidlet, Personal Favorite, For Personal Nostalgia Only.

Examples:
They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love, Peter Shottes, 6, strongly religious, No, Yes, Yes
Sound of Silence, Paul Simon, 4, Secular, Yes, Yes, No

Sound of Silence -- Indeed a very long-time favorite of mine. I remember learning it in 6th grade music class, and utterly falling in love with it. And it's all about the kind of messages I love in music (because I'm a damned peace love and community style hippy, oh yes I am!)