![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I just said this over on FB, and it got me ranting in my head on the topic again:
Just talked to hr again, trying to navigate this whole fmla, ada, short term disability, don't even know mess. Feel so helpless when I can't manage to get a straight answer on anything. Call back tomorrow, talk to your doc about that, no don't bother requesting a callback from your case manager, she's too busy. Going to go cry for a while and then probably call off work a-fucking-gain. Also, person I talked to denied all existence of any ada request in my file for first 3/4 of call. *bitter*
You know what makes me feel guilty these days?
Everything.
Being able to do something? Not Disabled Enough Taking Advantage Of The System Guilty. Not being able to do something? Too Disabled Burden On Everyone Guilty. Trying more meds and treatments? Am I Really Making It Worse Guilty. Trying fewer? Am I Really Making It Worse Guilty (again). Being too focused on my health issues? Hypochondriac Guilty. Not being focused enough? Bad Patient Guilty. Being miserable? Guilty. Finding joy? Guilty. Using the benefits I've earned after a decade at this job? Bad Employee Guilty. Doubting my own rights to do so? Bad Social Justice Activist Guilty. Even having benefits my loved ones don't? Bad Socialist Guilty. Letting this shit get to me like this? Bad Activist Guilty again.
I hate this shit. Hate it. I suspect anyone who has dealt with issues of disability in our society could rant most of this along with me, but I'm going to say it again for myself anyway.
And I hate it all the more because I _know_ why I shouldn't feel this way, why it's important both politically and personally to fight these fights. I know all the lectures on social justice and disability. I can say these things to my friends struggling with similar issues and believe them wholeheartedly.
I hate feeling so "under the microscope" -- and as long as I'm asking for any additional help in any way, work or personal life, I feel like I have less right to tell people to stop analyzing my life for how it could be improved. If it's affecting them, don't they have some right to an opinion? And even when I know I have more ethical right to do so, it's still very hard societally and even harder, practically, in a work environment.
I've been trying so hard for so many years to stay as functional as possible just to have the best argument for keeping other people out of my fucking life, telling them it's not their business how I choose to function, since look, I'm functional by dominant society's standards. I work, I pay bills. And when that slips, I feel even more on the defensive because there are so many elements of my life so many people would like to just jump on in that regard. So many ways in which people seem to just be waiting to tell one how to live one's life.
And I know what bullshit this all is. Know it. But knowing and feeling are worlds apart, and none of it changes that I _feel_ guilty as shit right now. And also resentful as fuck at living in a world that makes me feel that way.
Just talked to hr again, trying to navigate this whole fmla, ada, short term disability, don't even know mess. Feel so helpless when I can't manage to get a straight answer on anything. Call back tomorrow, talk to your doc about that, no don't bother requesting a callback from your case manager, she's too busy. Going to go cry for a while and then probably call off work a-fucking-gain. Also, person I talked to denied all existence of any ada request in my file for first 3/4 of call. *bitter*
You know what makes me feel guilty these days?
Everything.
Being able to do something? Not Disabled Enough Taking Advantage Of The System Guilty. Not being able to do something? Too Disabled Burden On Everyone Guilty. Trying more meds and treatments? Am I Really Making It Worse Guilty. Trying fewer? Am I Really Making It Worse Guilty (again). Being too focused on my health issues? Hypochondriac Guilty. Not being focused enough? Bad Patient Guilty. Being miserable? Guilty. Finding joy? Guilty. Using the benefits I've earned after a decade at this job? Bad Employee Guilty. Doubting my own rights to do so? Bad Social Justice Activist Guilty. Even having benefits my loved ones don't? Bad Socialist Guilty. Letting this shit get to me like this? Bad Activist Guilty again.
I hate this shit. Hate it. I suspect anyone who has dealt with issues of disability in our society could rant most of this along with me, but I'm going to say it again for myself anyway.
And I hate it all the more because I _know_ why I shouldn't feel this way, why it's important both politically and personally to fight these fights. I know all the lectures on social justice and disability. I can say these things to my friends struggling with similar issues and believe them wholeheartedly.
I hate feeling so "under the microscope" -- and as long as I'm asking for any additional help in any way, work or personal life, I feel like I have less right to tell people to stop analyzing my life for how it could be improved. If it's affecting them, don't they have some right to an opinion? And even when I know I have more ethical right to do so, it's still very hard societally and even harder, practically, in a work environment.
I've been trying so hard for so many years to stay as functional as possible just to have the best argument for keeping other people out of my fucking life, telling them it's not their business how I choose to function, since look, I'm functional by dominant society's standards. I work, I pay bills. And when that slips, I feel even more on the defensive because there are so many elements of my life so many people would like to just jump on in that regard. So many ways in which people seem to just be waiting to tell one how to live one's life.
And I know what bullshit this all is. Know it. But knowing and feeling are worlds apart, and none of it changes that I _feel_ guilty as shit right now. And also resentful as fuck at living in a world that makes me feel that way.
