Life's going fine...

[moominmuppet]

...and I'm still feeling crappy and on-the-edge-of-tears for no reason. Depression blows; hopefully this'll be a quick and mild one. Last night, when I woke up long enough to think depressing thoughts for an hour or so, the big one on my mind was that I hate the self-conciousness of being bipolar.

Bootsy was fabulous; it was rather like "Inside the Actor's Studio" with musicians instead of actors. The interviewer wasn't particularly great, but it didn't end up being an issue; Bootsy's charismatic enough to run the show without a problem, and I had a fabulous time listening to his stories for an hour and a half.

I'm pretty sure I aced my A & P exam yesterday, so that's out of the way. And I wasn't at work, but apparently there was a big office politics blow-up over the employee satisfaction survey results (they gave us the survey during Benefits Enrollment hell back in October, which was particularly bad timing). We'll see what comes of it, but they're trying to get the new folks to be more reliable about actually doing their jobs, and it may involve cracking down on all of us. I have no idea what the ramifications are going to be. One possibility is that I may need to get official documentation on my fibro again (good thing I already have doctor's appts set up) -- Most of my days off are unscheduled (i.e. sick days), rather than scheduled, and if they choose to implement and pursue the point system, this can fuck me over, because you accrue points for sick days, but not for scheduled time off. Enough can get you written up or fired. Last time this came up, a few years ago, HR had me get documentation from my doctor about the fibro, and that fixed the issue somehow (I think all fibro-related UPTO was counted as one day for points system determinations, or something). I'll know more after the meeting this afternoon. I'm not thrilled.

Comments

[redbird]

Have they considered that a system that punishes people for calling in sick is an excellent way to spread infectious disease through the workplace and pay people to come in when they aren't actually well enough to do their jobs properly?

[firinel.livejournal.com]

I was wondering something similar, especially since it seems more like the issue is of people's bodies being there, but their minds not so much.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

And this is one of the top hospital systems in the US. Doesn't that make it extra-ironic? (actually, it means they've got powerful motivations in both directions -- under-staffing is a serious concern, especially with nurses. However, encouraging sick people to work is at least an equally large concern).

I don't work in patient-care, so the understaffing argument doesn't even apply to me.

[habari.livejournal.com]

"the big one on my mind was that I hate the self-conciousness of being bipolar. "

Word...sometimes i have a fleeting longing for the "bliss" of not knowing how incredibly fucked up my brain is. I mean, it's a half-hearted, not really meaning it longing, but there's a calm that was there before I knew just how horrible the effects are of my brain attacking me. In not knowing, I had no clue, even when i thought there was something wrong, how bad it was. With hyper-vigilance, there's never a moment to be calm.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

With hyper-vigilance, there's never a moment to be calm.

*nod* I'd really like it if my first thought when I start feeling good weren't "Oh, shit, am I feeling too good? Is it a hypomanic phase? Is my judgement going to shit? Am I making an idiot out of myself?" And it'd be nice to just have a crappy day without worrying that it's the beginning of a nasty slide, too.

I mean, it's a half-hearted, not really meaning it longing

Yeah, the life fuckups when I was less self-aware aren't worth the tradeoff. I hear ya.

[forestfire.livejournal.com]

I hear this as well, even though I'm not technically bi-polar. I definitely have to question my natural impulses and my moods. Being too happy is suspect, my judgment may have deteriorated and I'm likely to cave in to temptations I seek to avoid or take on unrealistic responsibilities. Being in a slump can mean a major depressive episode or a hysterical fit is just around the corner.

My higher reasoning gets exhauasted trying to second guess the impulses that always effect it anyways.