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moominmuppetI hate how hard it becomes to communicate when I'm depressed. I just stop being able to focus ... to make words and thoughts follow each other in any particularly meaningful pattern. I'm glad that I'm stuck going to work every day (I've requested the time off for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
forestfire and leyloken's wedding, so I've got to be really good about attendance between now and then). I want to be able to curl up and hide, I hate being here trying to focus on work, but that's not such a good plan, as evidenced by this weekend. I ended up spending the vast majority of it sleeping. To a point that was needed, but after that point it just got... blech. Avoidant in all the worst ways I'm prone to. I'm working on sorting out how to manage the practicalities of our household, and hopefully get it inched a bit further from the edge, but I'm having real problems getting moving on that. I'm going to try to divert more of my focus that direction this week, so I may not be doing much more than skimming LJ.
On the positive side, I just heard from V over email -- I've been freaking and stressing about whether to try to get to FL for her wedding or not. I've been meaning to call and talk to her about it, but have been all sorts of avoidant about that, as well. The conversation seems to be heading toward "she won't mind if I can't make it", which means that I can instead look at trying to get time together with her sometime when things aren't so wedding-hectic. I'm feeling really relieved about that, since I'd feel like shit if I hurt her feelings over it.
On the down side, one of my best friends isn't speaking to me. Lovely. Still trying to sort out exactly wtf went on there. I don't particularly feel deeply at fault for what I think was the initial complaint she had about me, but I could have dealt substantially better with the two phone conversations. Conciliatory I wasn't. At the end of the latter conversation I hung up on her. I'm still trying to sort out the pieces and make sense of it, but the whole thing feels all muzzy and distant in weird ways (that whole focus and assembling conversation to make sense thing), yet has been on my mind all weekend. I feel like I should be doing damage-control at the moment, but I'm just tired and puzzled. Partly over her actions/reactions, largely over mine.
forestfire and leyloken's wedding, so I've got to be really good about attendance between now and then). I want to be able to curl up and hide, I hate being here trying to focus on work, but that's not such a good plan, as evidenced by this weekend. I ended up spending the vast majority of it sleeping. To a point that was needed, but after that point it just got... blech. Avoidant in all the worst ways I'm prone to. I'm working on sorting out how to manage the practicalities of our household, and hopefully get it inched a bit further from the edge, but I'm having real problems getting moving on that. I'm going to try to divert more of my focus that direction this week, so I may not be doing much more than skimming LJ.On the positive side, I just heard from V over email -- I've been freaking and stressing about whether to try to get to FL for her wedding or not. I've been meaning to call and talk to her about it, but have been all sorts of avoidant about that, as well. The conversation seems to be heading toward "she won't mind if I can't make it", which means that I can instead look at trying to get time together with her sometime when things aren't so wedding-hectic. I'm feeling really relieved about that, since I'd feel like shit if I hurt her feelings over it.
On the down side, one of my best friends isn't speaking to me. Lovely. Still trying to sort out exactly wtf went on there. I don't particularly feel deeply at fault for what I think was the initial complaint she had about me, but I could have dealt substantially better with the two phone conversations. Conciliatory I wasn't. At the end of the latter conversation I hung up on her. I'm still trying to sort out the pieces and make sense of it, but the whole thing feels all muzzy and distant in weird ways (that whole focus and assembling conversation to make sense thing), yet has been on my mind all weekend. I feel like I should be doing damage-control at the moment, but I'm just tired and puzzled. Partly over her actions/reactions, largely over mine.
