That sense of "Us"

[moominmuppet]

I mentioned a week or so ago that generally being single is pretty cool for me. I'm having one of those days where it's just not. And it kinda sucks.


I'm missing the sense of being a team; that "we'll get through it". A lot of people find the term "partner" too drab and business-like. I happen to love it; it defines a great deal of what I want.
I'm missing having someone to retreat to when the rest of the world gets depressing, and overwhelming, and icky. When I retreat now, it's to solitude (at least internally), rather than to a sense of emotional home.
I'm missing having that particular kind of bond with another human being. That sense of deep ongoing connection.
I'm missing the casual daily affection, and the reassurance that provides.
I'm missing feeling known and chosen.
I'm missing being an emotional priority at that level to someone else.
I missing the sense of stability and anchoring I get from being partnered.
I miss having the reassurance that I could actually inspire that kind of love in someone else.
I miss giving all these things to someone else.

Most days, I'm remarkably happy with how my emotional life works; with the mosaic of acquaintances, friends, and family that provide so much of what I desire. Sometimes, though, especially when I'm feeling down, or self-conscious, or upset, I have trouble reaching that. I know, intellectually, that I'm loved, and cared about, and cared for in a million different ways by a multitude of amazing people. And knowing all that still doesn't make me feel less lonely when it hits. It still doesn't breech the emotional moat that pops into existence around me. Being partnered is no guarantee against loneliness; I know that. But there are times when it would make a hell of a lot of difference.

Comments

[cjdoyle.livejournal.com]

There must be something in the air - I've been (internally) bemoaning my lack of secondaries as of late. I realize that's slim angst compared to being single, but I'll offer comiseration where I can...

I'd quip about "Flithy, Shameful Spring" and stuff, but it's summer....

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

It seems that Spring is lasting an awfully long time this year, at least psychologically. In general (although not today), I've been rather shocked at the ongoing libido/etc surge that's been peaking since about April in my life.

I've been (internally) bemoaning my lack of secondaries as of late.

Understandable, and also frustrating... Dammit, where are the poly-people-of-our-dreams who should by rights be parachuting into our lives by now? Argh.

[heron61.livejournal.com]

Most definitely, there is far too much of that sort of feeling going around, and I'm also very much prey to it. It didn't help that I talked to a good friend last night (Geoff) who is still happily involved with two people, one of whom I know and is very cool. I'm happy for him, but my involuntary non-poly lifestyle saddens me.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[calebbullen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, there's something in the air alright. I was getting like that the other day. Extremely melancholy, especially for the likes of me. I blamed it on Nuovo Cinema Paradiso at the time but it wasn't just the flick.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Yeah; there are certain things in my life contributing to me feeling kind of bummed, but that's definitely not the full story on why I'm in this mood.

[calebbullen.livejournal.com]

ah...

Blame it on the bassanova.

That's what I always do.

[jenx.livejournal.com]

One of the reasons I like and respect you is how *cogent* you are about your feelings. I can't help but think that most people in your situation would slide into a new relationship simply to have that sense of "us" - regardless of any compatibility issues.

I agree with you - the intellectual knowledge that you are loved is sometimes cold comfort when you're looking for physical reassurance. Dammit, sometimes you just want a hug and for someone else to make the world go away.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Dammit, sometimes you just want a hug and for someone else to make the world go away.

Precisely.

I can't help but think that most people in your situation would slide into a new relationship simply to have that sense of "us" - regardless of any compatibility issues.

I wish I could say it was because of some inherent emotional strength that I don't. It seems to be more that I can't manage to convince myself something's there when it's not (at least on my side -- I've been pretty bad at points in regards to deluded beliefs about other people's feelings). Without feeling that connection, or at least the possible beginnings of it, it just seems like 'going through the motions'.

It's not all that rare for me to feel "Huh, this is worth exploring", but it's very rare for that to get all that far before I know pretty certainly that it's not what I'm looking for, at least in a primary partnership. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm too quick to dismiss possibilities, or setting up defensive patterns that prevent it from happening, though. I'm really not sure. I've occasionally been told that I'm very picky in that regard, maybe too perfectionistic.

[calebbullen.livejournal.com]

Heh, I'm not too quick to dismiss possibilities, I tend to completely miss them. I'm pretty good at reading people in most other kinds of interaction but not romantically or sexually. In hindsight, I'm a genius at spotting missed opportunity though. heh.

"but it's very rare for that to get all that far before I know pretty certainly that it's not what I'm looking for"

Do you know what you're looking for? That sounds snotty but I only ask because I don't know what I'm looking for. It's been a long drought and I've become like three or four completely different people in the meantime.

Geez, I'd make a sloth look perky today. What's up with that? I think I'm getting sick. pfft!

if it would give you some cheer, give yourself an absurdly avuncular for a contemporary, hair tousling from me.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

This is turning into its own post. More soon...

[musicalchaos.livejournal.com]

Heee, I think I can actually gripe about this one for a change. You know how bloody annoyed I am over not being able to find a girlfriend, correct? Well, last night I ended up getting invited to a movie by one of my friends, problem is I know she has a boyfriend, yet for 2 1/2 hours I sit through the absolute torture of feeling her body heat and smelling her next to me yet being unable to do a damn thing about it.... It was so distracting I couldn't even oogle Angelina Jolie in skintight outfits. Arg.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Oh, been there. Much sympathy...

It was so distracting I couldn't even oogle Angelina Jolie in skintight outfits.

And that's just a damned shame.

[jajy1979.livejournal.com]

Dad seems to think you're going to be dating her, that is at least the impression I got when I was talking to him on the phone last night for a while. [shrug] Nif.

[musicalchaos.livejournal.com]

Heh. I doubt it. Like I said, she already has a boyfriend, and the absolute last thing I ever want to do is give my friends problems. If she breaks up with him and shows interest in pursuing a relationship, fine. In not, ce la vie, more of the same old thing. Friend-box.

[dmk.livejournal.com]

Been there, done that, earned a wardrobe of t-shirts. All I can say is pay attention. Maybe she is interested. Or could be. Perhaps you could talk about the situation in a roundabout way. I dunno.

My first True Love was a woman who (I thought) was obviously monogamous and heterosexual. I held back. For eight years. Sharing a dorm room, and an apartment (with her husband, too), and staying friends over long distances, always keeping that mantra of "she isn't available". One time, she came to visit me and we had to share a bed. Torture. A month later she finally told me she loved me, and her husband loved me too, and they were both interested in a relationship. And she pointed out several episodes of her reaching out to me, which I had totally misunderstood. I was just blind. Anyway, two-year long-distance relationship, never regretted anything other than my oblivious nature. And that they didn't want to make the relationship permanent and public. I had to move on, but we're still very close, and always will be.

[musicalchaos.livejournal.com]

Just one wee difference, (well actually more) I don't even know her boyfriend. Though that experience would definitely suck. I'm just never sure about women. Where they are concerned, I'm paralyzed by the fear of alienating them, or destroying the friendship, etc. Drives me up the bloody blinkin wall that the only time I've approached a girl, I wasn't even given the decency of a flat no, instead I got excuses 13 times before finally conceeding defeat. Ugh, still bugs me, especially when I debate having it happen again, only this time with a close friend rather than a crush.

[futabachan.livejournal.com]

I'm missing the sense of being a team; that "we 'll get through it". A lot of people find the term "partner" too drab and business-like. I happen to love it; it defines a great deal of what I want.

I really, really feel for you -- that's one of the things that I most value about having ayilmaz in my life. I absolutely would have been crawling the walls over job (or lack thereof) stress if she hadn't been around....

*big hug*

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Thanks...

And for the record, seeing that many of my friends have found the same kind of thing that I'm seeking is hope-inducing.

[kindredspirit03.livejournal.com]

I'm eternally unattached, and though I can't think of what "cogent" means without context clues (lol), I don't think I'd have a hard time getting back into the swing of things. And as for the friends who have found what we seek, hope's a good thing. One day soon, I shall snuggle!

[dmk.livejournal.com]

I scored 111 on that quiz. I am in a (fairly new, temporarily long-distance) relationship right now, but agree with you on all your points. Maryland was the easiest place for me to be truly single, since so many of my friends there are very free with physical affection, and that's the most difficult part of being alone. But I'd rather be alone than be in a superficial relationship. So, (hugs) if you'll accept them.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Thanks...